Orbits Apart: Zoey's Dilemma

"I can't do this."

It's been a long time since I've heard those words. They were the same words my father used to say. They were always followed by a drink, sometimes more than one. My whole life, I've lived with the regret of not being there to stop him from killing himself.

Now, it's my turn. I'm standing by the hatch that leads to the Captain's quarters, and I'm about to break down and give in to the tears that are welling up in my eyes. My niece is on the other side of this door, her punishment for insubordination. She is awaiting her punishment. I can hear her crying as though she is right here next to me, pleading for me not to do this. But I must; my duty demands it of me.

Despite myself, I knock on the door three times, hard enough so that it echoes through the small hallway that joins our quarters together. The sound of a lock disengaging is followed by a metallic click. The door opens outward into the hallway, revealing a young woman lying face-down on her bed, her arms crossed protectively over her backside and pressed against the mattress so hard that she seems ready to propel herself out of space like some sort of rocket ship into another dimension where these types of things don't happen.

"Aunt Zoey?" The voice from inside is soft and muffled with emotion as she calls out my name like an affirmation that she hasn't gone insane after all. "Please tell me this isn't real."

I hesitate before answering her plea. As much as I'd love to make all of this go away, in some cases it's just not possible to reverse what has already been done or said. "Kaelyn," I begin slowly, still not able to bring myself around to looking at her directly, "you know better than anyone what you did wrong."

"Yes," she answers quickly, "but... It was an accident! If you'd have only seen how I reacted when she started pulling out her hair -" Her words are cut off abruptly as several sobs escape her mouth in a row like she's trying to swallow each one whole even though they're coming too fast to stop them from coming out without causing serious damage instead. Her hands clench into fists at her sides and then unclench again; one hand moves up and rubs furiously at an eye while the other stays at rest in its original position on the small of her back holding herself up as though she's getting ready for something awful and wants to be prepared for it no matter what happens next. "You see? You didn't see how upset she got when we were playing!" Her voice grows louder with each sentence until she is shouting now; shouting for someone who isn't here - who doesn't want to be here anymore because he drank too much - someone who has no business being here anyway if he can leave his own kid behind like this with no support from anyone else but me and now Kaelyn is doing it too...

"Do you know what happened last time we played that game?!" She yells shrilly now as if I hadn't been there when they played earlier today (which wouldn't have made any difference but whatever). "My mother died! Do you understand what that means? That means every single time we play it - every single time we start doing ANYTHING - my mother dies AGAIN! Are you just going to take that away from me too? Is THAT what you're going to do?" Her voice cracks on the last word, making it impossible for anyone listening to know if she's finished speaking or not until a sob rips through everything else and makes itself known above everything else instead. That's how I know she's finished talking: sobbing is all there is now, no more words just tears being shed for a mother who never deserved any of this but also didn't deserve death either ("She had a heart attack!" Kaelyn always screams into the silence whenever anyone brings up how much happier everyone would all be without their mother around). The same thing happened when we played it last night before bedtime (isn't every night before bedtime?) and again this morning before breakfast (isn't every morning before breakfast?). The whole day was utterly ruined until Kaelyn finally told me about all of this afterwards (and then broke down crying again). Now here we are again: Kaelyn with tears streaming down both sides of her face and covering half of her pillow in artificially salty water (is there anything worse than running out of tears?), and me standing helplessly by with nothing left to do but continue forward with what needs to be done even though I hate myself for doing it more and more each second that passes by in silence between us. "You need help," I whisper finally; it sounds as though two people are speaking at once: one voice very loud inside my head saying 'I can't do this' while another voice comes out very quietly from my mouth acting as though nothing has ever happened or will ever happen again besides whatever will happen right now between us two women in front of each other staring at each other awkwardly but neither willing or able to take action first despite the fact that both parties desperately wish they could avoid addressing whatever must be addressed right now by thinking about something else instead or going somewhere else entirely except neither option is possible so they both stand here facing each other hoping against hope something will change but knowing deep down inside that nothing will ever change unless they take action themselves but also knowing no amount of effort will ever make things better because nothing ever does get better just different maybe temporarily but definitely never permanently like whatever made things bad originally always comes back stronger than before because why would things be different now than they were before when obviously nothing has changed? "...and we need help," I repeat myself softly after realizing that wasn't actually what came out of my mouth at all (or maybe it was exactly what came out of my mouth after all because maybe saying 'we need help' is exactly what I meant). Either way - during my brief pause or otherwise - Kaelyn has stopped crying long enough for us both stare straight into each other's eyes without blinking until suddenly Kaelyn turns away sharply as if turning away forcefully enough somehow makes everything better again so quickly that no one could have possibly noticed anything has gone wrong at all (even though everyone knows something has gone wrong; you can feel it in your bones even if no one says anything about it because if they did speak up then something would have been done about it already instead of allowing everyone continue living their pointless lives pretending everything was fine when really everyone knew deep down inside that nothing was fine only pretending was fine because pretending was cheaper and easier than fixing things which would require lots more money and effort plus most people didn't care enough about anyone else anyway so why bother changing anything?). Suddenly Kaelyn whips around towards me with such speed that even though she keeps moving forward further into space (where nobody should be going alone) for no apparent reason whatsoever now except maybe because she decided she wanted away from whoever was speaking earlier (or something like that), there's suddenly such force behind her movement that she collides with me directly in my solar plexus knocking us both backwards until we hit the opposite wall whereupon we proceed crumple onto our respective floors gasping for breath having been knocked breathless by simple impact alone (as well as having been pushed aside by someone much smaller moving much faster than them wanting nothing more than away from wherever they currently are). There's a momentary pause while we're both taking deep breaths in order to try filling ourselves back up with air so we don't pass out right there on either side of each other on our captains' floor right outside their bedroom doors barely avoiding being discovered by them while they're sleeping tonight which would be awkward but probably not awkward enough considering they spend their time almost exclusively hating each other so who cares if they find us on their floor? Nevertheless, the pause is interrupted suddenly when Kaelyn takes advantage of our position close enough together so she can speak directly into my ear in a harsh whisper asking whether or not "she died too." That question cuts deep into me because of course Zoey died too: Zoey died years ago along with my father leaving me alone forever wondering why nobody seemed interested in stopping them from dying (so far two deaths which may or may not mean three deaths depending on how many times Kaelyn plays "The Game"). But here someone stands asking me whether or not Zoey died too like there might actually be some reason for hope... And honestly... There actually could be some reason for hope here if only things could return back to normal once again instead of everything staying terrible forever until eventually everyone dies either suddenly or slowly depending on how badly life had been treating them lately which usually depends on how often someone plays "The Game" although sometimes everyone just gets tired of living one day without warning without playing "The Game" first because sometimes people die without any warning whatsoever (just like Zoey did) so maybe Kaelyn just needs someone strong in order for things not stay terrible forever after all once everybody dies even if nothing had changed beforehand? Maybe Kaelyn isn't lying about needing help... After all, Zoey said "help" almost exactly like Kaelyn did prematurely cutting herself off mid-sentence except Zoey said '