Unraveling Absurdity: A 17th Century Man's Odyssey to Hope

The first thing I noticed was how soft it felt. It reminded me of the most decadent pillow I'd ever been lucky enough to sleep on. As my eyes fluttered open, the softness began to take shape. It was soft, but firm. It felt like the sweet spot between a bed and a mattress. I opened my eyes more to try and identify the material. That's when I saw her black leather boot with a 5-inch heel standing over me. She was striking; long legs, dark red hair and bright green eyes that pierced my very soul. "Hello, slave," she said in an alluring eastern European accent. "You have been given a gift."

I had no idea what she was talking about, but then again, perhaps it didn't matter any more because...

I was alive!

I looked around and saw that I was in what looked like a living room, except there were no windows or doors. In fact, the walls seemed to be some kind of see-through plastic that allowed me to see into other rooms beyond this one. I tried to stand up but quickly realized that my arms were secured with straps above my head against the wall behind me. I tugged at them furiously but they wouldn't give way any further than maybe an inch or two in either direction from their original position. My feet were secured in similar fashion to the floor by large metal loops that were attached by chains to the floor.

The Empress walked over to where my head hung against the wall behind me and crouched down next to me so we were eye level. "You've been given the honor of being the property of your Empress," she told me as she ran her long fingers through my hair gently. "You are now under her care and protection."

"What?" I managed to stammer out through my panic as I struggled against my restraints. "Let... let go of me!" I managed to say as best as I could while trying not to vomit into her face from fear and disgust at her closeness.

She laughed gently as she took one hand from me and reached into a pocket of her dress and pulled out a small remote control device that looked like something you might get with a new TV. "You're here to serve us," she said as she pressed a button on the remote device, and a sickening sensation spread throughout my body, followed almost immediately by an intense pain radiating from various places around my body at once, causing me to scream out loud in agony until finally there was only silence...

I sat bolt upright, suddenly awake in bed looking around frantically trying desperately to regain some semblance of sanity through rational thought as I looked around at my surroundings: I'm in my apartment back home in Los Angeles, lying on top of my covers fully clothed and sound asleep with nothing but sweat covering every inch of exposed skin breathing hard with short bursts of air leaving my body between erratic breaths, desperately sucking oxygen into tortured lungs fighting for survival in a world where reason has taken leave for higher ground leaving nothing but insanity behind...

Except it wasn't just yesterday that happened, it WAS today:

The problem is I forgot about MY birthday party last night at Blue Star Donuts on Fairfax with Tasha and Rachel after we watched Avengers Age of Ultron (which was awesome, btw). So here's what went down: We go into Blue Star Donuts together and order 3 donuts each (cuz they're delicious) and walk outside and start talking about which donut is our favorite when these three guys walking by start heckling us, calling us fat, and whores... We ignore them mostly but then one guy calls Rachel an offensive name so Tasha starts yelling at them, taunting them and telling them that they should really think twice before calling us names. So they start throwing punches, all three against Tasha while Rachel tries pulling her away. Eventually, we get away from those individuals but yeah... so THAT'S why today was terrible!

So anyway, here I am sitting here writing this story down thinking about what happened yesterday, which somehow turned into today, no matter how many times I blink or look at a clock hoping it will magically turn back into yesterday, which actually tells me something else instead: If THIS is tomorrow then WHY DIDN'T ANYTHING CHANGE?

Wait wait wait... *pinches self* feels real enough... so maybe THIS IS tomorrow? How else could I have written this story if this isn't today?

Maybe that woman really did bring me somewhere else yesterday? Maybe she really DID turn time backward somehow? Maybe THIS IS yesterday? Maybe SHE'S been manipulating time somehow since yesterday? Maybe THAT'S how she found ME? Because somehow SHE knew precisely how much time had passed since yesterday when she found ME sleeping on my couch watching reruns of Family Matters hoping maybe THIS would turn into tomorrow already?!

Oh man... oh man... oh MAN!!!