Ayanokoji's Wishful Thinking

"I have a wish," he said.

She took the test from him, eyes careful not to meet his gaze. "And what is this wish?"

Ayanokoji took one step toward her. She did not retreat, but her eyes flicked to the door. He reached out and touched her arm, just above the elbow. "I have a wish," he repeated. "That you be my..." he searched for the right word, "...lover." He had never said that word to a woman before. It felt strange in his mouth, like something being shoved into a slot it was too large for.

Horikita's expression did not change. She did not look at him, but stared straight ahead at the teacher's desk against the far wall of the classroom. The silence between them stretched on and on until Ayanokoji thought he would go mad from it. Finally, she said: "No."

He felt as though she had slapped him. "Why?"

"Because I do not want to." Her voice was cool and flat.

"You don't have to do anything you don't want to." He had meant it as an olive branch, but it came out more like a threat. Horikita glanced at him for the first time since he'd asked her the question. Before he could say anything else she turned back to face the desk again and shook her head once, slowly, deliberately almost as if she were counting one two three...and then released a deep sigh that seemed beyond her years.

"I cannot," she said simply. "It is forbidden by my family's traditions."

Ayanokoji looked at his hands which were clutching at the edge of his desk so hard that his knuckles were bone white and his fingernails had dug into the wood leaving four crescent moons in their wake. He tried to swallow but his throat had gone dry with disappointment and anger and fear all rolled into one hot knot of emotion that strangled every movement of his body and mind alike. He knew each time he opened his mouth that something stupid would come out so instead he chose to remain silent as well even though it hurt more than anything else ever had or ever would hurt because it cut through everything that made him human in that instant with its sharp cruel edge and left him raw and bleeding with nothing left but the pain of it all.

*

Afterwards they lay in bed side by side staring up at Ayanokoji's ceiling while they listened to each other breathe in and out through their noses so they didn't have to see each others faces any longer than they absolutely had to endure it if only because they both knew that if either of them caught sight of the other's face they would both know immediately what was going through their minds better than any spoken words could convey anyway so why bother? For once Horikita seemed content with silence because she didn't feel compelled to fill it with meaningless chatter despite how desperately Ayanokoji wished she would just say anything at all even if none of it was true because lies didn't exist between them anymore than full sentences did or running water or happiness or laughter or even tears because there was no room for such things anymore only this murky pool filled with half-thoughts half-feelings half-words half-demons bound together with all sorts of self-inflicted restraints carved into their skin like hieroglyphics by some ancient people long ago who spoke a language neither one of them understood anymore because whatever languages they may have once known were gone now replaced by new ones they themselves had invented without realizing it so they wouldn't have to think about what lay beneath these surface scratches or who might be responsible for them or how those people might feel about making such marks on otherwise flawless skin or whether those marks were beautiful or ugly or whether anybody would care either way now or ever again so maybe it doesn't really matter after all...it's just skin...it'll heal eventually...no matter what happens next I'll just accept this is what life is now...this is me now...we are who we are...there is no turning back...there never was...we're trapped here together forever now...forever...forever...forever...forever...forever...forever....forever....forever....forever....forever....forever....foreveer....foreveer....foreveer....foreveer....foreveer.... forever....