Grey Dawns, Diaper Dreams: Jean's Escapade

I can't believe she's doing this. I'd thought that my fear of her, my fear of what she might do next, would be enough to keep me from going back. It wasn't.

"What did you tell her?" I asked. "What did you tell her about us?"

She smiled. "I said we'd been together for only a few months, and it was sweet while it lasted."

"And what else?"

"That you were just a baby." She laughed again. "No one wants to sleep with a baby."

I knew it was hopeless asking - begging would just amuse her. I turned and walked away instead. The door shut behind me as I left the apartment. When I got on the elevator, I realized my mistake: I had no keys or wallet, and no money with which to buy them back, either. And now I was stuck in a building in a part of town I had never visited before, a place where even if I found someone willing to let me call my mom (if she hadn't already been contacted by my captor), there would be no cab ride home. At least not tonight.

*

The moonlight lit up the city as if it were daytime - it had been full three days ago and showed no signs of waning yet. That meant she could see me too, even if she didn't know it was me who passed through the lobby on the way out into the streets beyond. The streets were quiet at this hour; I saw no one but a few people walking their dogs or returning from late shifts at work. No one paid any attention to me as I headed west down the sidewalk along the route Google Maps told me would get me closest to home without going through any neighborhoods where she might be waiting for me.

Even though she lived in a different part of town than me, we had lived fairly close by before things ended between us - when we met and for most of our relationship. If she hadn't moved since then, then there was a good chance her apartment was close enough that taking this walk might cross paths with hers again tonight. The realization both terrified and exhilarated me at once - terrified because *she* might be waiting for me around the corner or up ahead instead of at home like I hoped, exhilarated because if so, I might have an opportunity to escape while she followed after me through the dark city streets alone instead.*This* was what I should have done when I first walked out of her apartment instead of going straight down the elevator and out onto the street: run in whatever direction seemed like it would take me towards home fastest rather than go straight there directly where she knew to expect me to return before morning - wasting time trying to figure out how to regain access to my wallet and keys without alerting her that something had gone wrong was exactly what she wanted from me all along!

But even as those thoughts percolated through my mind as my feet carried me further along the sidewalk towards home, another set of worries began to overtake them: If she caught up with me tonight, what then? Would she scream at people until someone helped her subdue me? Would she use some other kind of trick? Would anyone even care if they saw us together - two angry young lovers fighting late at night in public? What if...what if...? A hundred scenarios buzzed around my head so fast that none could be held onto long enough for rational consideration - only one thought prevailed amidst all the chaos: *she* would win either way; whether or not she caught up with me tonight on this walk home, *she* would win eventually because *I* always lose! And even thinking about giving up felt like giving up; how could I just give up without even trying?! Maybe...maybe I could give myself a head start? If nothing else, perhaps that much might be enough for some kind of miracle to happen...just barely enough...just barely enough...