Jazzing Up the Future: Mozart and the Shaffer Conservatory Band

"What the hell are you doing?"

I couldn't believe it. This was my first show with the band and I was already in hot water. I look to my right and see Michael, our drummer, staring at me like I was crazy.

"What? What did I do?"

"Look, man. You're not supposed to play that fast or that loud."

I'm confused.

"What?"

"You heard me."

I don't know what to say. This is a new school, a new band, and they are already shutting me down. It's like starting over again and again and again, wherever I go.

Mr. Fletcher walks up to us and stares at me coolly for a moment before speaking: "You're killing the piece." He turns his back on me as he walks away to fix his microphone stand. I can feel the other musicians' eyes on me but I can't tell if they're angry or not because of all the makeup they wear. The bassist has so much eyeliner she looks like some kind of cat creature from another world, ready to claw my face off if I mess this up, whatever this is. If there's one thing I've learned in life, it's that you never want to upset an artsy person who wears too much makeup unless your name is Andy Warhol or Yayoi Kusama or something. They're terrifying when they get mad.

The sheet music in front of me isn't exactly clear though, so maybe that's why Mr. Fletcher is upset? Maybe it's my fault after all? But he sounded like he was talking to everyone when he asked what we were doing so maybe not? Or maybe he meant everyone but me? Everything sounds like a question when you have four flats in your key signature. And these guys aren't exactly singing in English! What sort of language is that? Some sort of mix between German and Japanese? It's very difficult to follow along because everything runs together so quickly and every time someone finishes their line without any mistakes, everybody else claps until there's just silence again which makes it even more impossible to figure out where one person's part ends and another begins! Music isn't supposed to be this difficult! Not on purpose anyway! Unless you're John Coltrane or something but even then it doesn't really matter because nobody else can play like him anyway so whatever!

If only there weren't all these gaps! How am I meant to finish writing about my life if all these gaps keep interrupting?! It never used to be like this before! Before it would just get harder whenever I got closer to remembering the important parts but now it seems like getting through even the most trivial details takes forever! Why can't these gaps just disappear already?! Why do they keep getting bigger instead of smaller?! Somehow they've gotten bigger than ever before! That one question has caused more gaps than anything else ever has before! Wasn't it enough that they snuck into my life while I slept? Now they've taken over my waking life too!? Every time I wake up from sleep now all sorts of strange things begin happening around me! Things that don't seem right at all! Things that make no sense at all whatsoever! These gaps have ruined everything for me!! They've ruined everything!! Why did they have to leave their home inside my brain?! Why can't they go back inside where they came from?! What happened during those times when my mind wandered away from reality?! Did those things really happen outside of me or did those gaps cause them somehow?! Did someone else experience those same gaps too or were those moments specifically designed just for me alone?! Did everyone else live their lives normally during those times or were those moments different as well?! What if nothing was real anymore!? What if every moment experienced by others was also created by those gaps somehow!? And now here I am trying desperately hard to avoid thinking about them anymore while still trying desperately hard not to forget about them anymore either!! Because somehow that one question has made it obvious that forgetting them would be even worse than thinking about them!!! But how am I supposed to remember everything correctly if all these damn gaps keep throwing everything off track whenever I try!!! How am I supposed to remember anything correctly if every single moment feels filled with holes right now!!! How am I supposed to remember anything correctly if each moment feels filled with holes right now!!! HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO REMEMBER ANYTHING CORRECTLY IF EVERY MOMENT FEELS FILLED WITH HOLES RIGHT NOW???!!!!??????!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!??????!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!????????????????????????????????????????????????!!!!!!!!!?????????!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

With a deep breath, I remind myself that I need to focus on the present and trust my instincts. Perhaps I can fill in the gaps as I go along, slowly rebuilding the moments that have seemingly vanished from my life. For now, though,