Quips and Daddy Issues: Alonzo's Unexpected Journey to Self-Acceptance

"Well, I guess it's not like most Tinder bios..."

"No, that's for sure. But do you think it will work?"

"We can only hope it does."

I opened the app and was greeted by an old friend. His name was John. "So, what are we going to do now?" he asked. I knew he represented the countless others who had helped me put this bio together over many lonely nights in my parents' basement. I took a deep breath and pressed 'send'. My fate was sealed. There was no turning back now.

After a few moments of silence, there it was: the dreaded red dot indicating that a message had been sent. I fell to my knees in horror as I realized what I had done. The dots started popping up rapidly, one after another. Finally, my phone vibrated violently on the floor beside me, waking me from my stupor. This was it: the moment of truth...

"Well, at least she replied." I picked up the phone and stared at the screen. It read: "Hey cutie! What made you decide to put *that* as your Tinder bio?" I could feel my eyes getting watery again as I began to type out a response: "Umm...I don't know if this will make much sense but..." The phone buzzed again before I could finish typing: "Oh no! Did you get dumped?!" My day had just gotten infinitely worse. She thought my bio meant I couldn't get girls? How humiliating! In a moment of desperation, I typed out that it wasn't that kind of relationship and hoped she didn't think it was weird. She responded saying she understood and asked to see more of my bio so she would understand better why I used that word in my bio. That wasn't such a bad response considering how things were going so far...

While waiting for my mother to leave, I continued to check old messages. It seems my unique bio had caught the attention of many, and there were plenty of flirty responses, people sharing jokes, or others who simply wanted to talk about dating experiences.

The door behind me swung open causing me to jump and drop my phone which landed face down on the concrete floor of my basement bedroom. The three dots on Ashley's message disappeared forever as her picture slowly appeared below her name on my lock screen. She stood up against a brick wall wearing black jeans and a red t-shirt with "Valentine" written across it in cursive writing; underneath that was written "All You Need Is Love". Her hair flowed behind her head as her right arm stretched above her shoulder pointing forward as if showing off some hidden gem beyond the camera lens; below that arm her left hand rested on top of an ornate lamp post while holding onto one side of an open green umbrella which shielded her face from view beneath its shade; however, somehow even through all of these obstructions I knew exactly what awaited me once I swiped left or right...and since Lori broke up with me two days ago after only being together for two weeks, Ashley seemed like just what the doctor ordered - especially after seeing how cute/pretty/gorgeous/hot/etc etc etc she looked in that photo - so without hesitation I swiped right!