Melissa's Paradoxical Journey

I walked into the clinic, squeezing my eyes against the glare of daylight that poured through the windows.

"Hi. I'm here for my check-up."

The receptionist nodded at me and pressed a button on the phone. "Dr. Holden is ready to see you now, Michael."

I stared at her in confusion. "But...it's Michelle."

She looked at me blankly and then shrugged. "Whatever. You can go on in."

I walked down the hallway to my exam room, reflecting wryly that I'd be walking back down this very hallway in just a few minutes with boobs and a vagina instead of a cock and balls and a penis. The door opened on its own after I knocked and I entered, sitting in the chair next to the exam table. Dr. Holden was already there, smiling at me with his usual professional amiability.

"Hello, Michelle," he said as he picked up my chart from the counter beside him. "How have you been feeling lately?"

I sighed inwardly. It was going to be another one of those questions where I had to correct him despite his insistence on calling me Mike or Michael or some other man's name...even though I'd started taking hormones two years ago and *looked like* a woman now. But really, how did you answer something like that? You could be feeling great except for the fact you hadn't had sex in three months because nobody wanted to fuck you any more? Or you could say your emotional state was excellent but your physical state sucked because it always felt like someone had taken a blowtorch to your chest? So instead I gave him a level look and said, "Fine."

Dr. Holden frowned slightly at my terse answer but thankfully changed the subject without comment: "Well, anyway, we're going to get you started on some testosterone today." He reached over to the cabinet beside him and removed an injection kit, laying out several needles and syringes on the countertop between us before opening a sterile packet of alcohol wipes and tearing off half a dozen squares. Then he rolled up my sleeve as if preparing for an ordinary blood draw and deftly swabbed my arm with an alcohol wipe before picking up one of the needles and dispensing some of the clear liquid into it from the vial of testosterone he'd set down earlier. I watched him pull off his gloves while he began talking again, not really listening to what he was saying until there was only ten seconds left in his countdown. Suddenly alarmed at what he was doing, I tried to jerk away from him but his grip tightened suddenly around my wrist like a vice clamp as I felt the needle plunge into my flesh for just an instant before he quickly withdrew it again and held his finger on the plunger.

A moment later he let go of my arm again and smiled reassuringly at me as he placed an alcohol wipe firmly over the injection site where he'd stuck me moments ago before taping a Band-Aid over it securely. After that he took another needle from the tray along with another vial of testosterone that had been labeled 'weekly' rather than 'monthly' - presumably because once I started injecting myself with testosterone every week instead of every month I wouldn't need this kind anymore - and emptied its contents into it just as he had done with last needle; then again with another one labeled 'daily'. As soon as these two were filled with their respective doses he flipped them both upside-down into his palm, placing them back into their vials before removing four more needles from their packaging - one each labeled 'once daily', 'twice daily', 'three times daily', and 'four times daily' - which were all filled similarly with various doses until finally there were none left remaining in their sterile package any longer. Smiling pleasantly at me once more, Dr. Holden moved over behind me where I couldn't see what he was doing; then suddenly there were hands gripping my shoulders tightly from behind me as well as a sharp pressure between my shoulder blades piercing through all layers of clothing into my skin...and then nothing but darkness as everything went black around me...

**************

I awoke slowly, blinking blearily up into bright sunlight filtering through trees overhead; then blinked again rapidly when memories came back flooding back into my mind all at once: getting called Michael by everyone in town who knew me even though I hadn't been called anything but Michelle in months; being turned down by every guy who saw me even though they'd never said no when they thought they were seeing a man; losing job after job despite passing every physical requirement effortlessly; giving up trying even harder because it didn't matter anyway; deciding it might be easier if people just thought I was a woman anyway; buying new clothes; changing hair style; coloring hair blonde; dying eyelashes jet black; putting on makeup for first time ever...