Mingled Deceit and Walls Afar: Stephen's Palindromic Journey

The girls had been aghast when I told them I was moving to Germany.

“Why would you wanna do that?” my friend Casey had asked, “You’re not one of those white-supremacists, are you?” She snorted with laughter.

“Of course not, Casey. I just need some time alone to reflect on things. You know, regroup. Figure out what I really want in life and all that stuff.”

They still looked worried. And they hadn’t stopped teasing me about it since then either. I mean, why else would a young guy like me want to leave the sunny shores of California for a country as grey and gloomy as Germany? It wasn’t like there was anything special about the place. They probably thought I was some kind of loser who needed to escape his own personal demons but couldn’t face the prospect of going through the trauma alone back in the States.

I tried not to take it too personally but it was hard not to feel insulted after all the good times we’d shared together over the years. Still, their goodbyes were surprisingly genuine even though they didn’t really seem to understand why I had to leave so abruptly like that. But then again, could they really comprehend how painful it was having your heart crushed into tiny little pieces? No, that pain is impossible for anyone else to fathom unless they have felt it themselves and I doubt that any of my friends had ever experienced such a thing before. Not even Casey who is single most of the time and constantly sleeping around with different guys whenever she has a chance to do so. An image flashed through my mind of her in bed with someone else tonight while I was away from home and suddenly, my eyes started burning with tears that refused to go away no matter how many times I blinked them away.

“Shit! Why am I crying now? Stupid emotions! It can't be because of this weather.... It's only raining for God's sake! This isn't even sad enough for me to cry over! What's wrong with me?”

I angrily wiped away my tears and stared out into the endless expanse of greyness surrounding me as far as my eyes could see while waiting at the taxi stand outside Munich airport. The rain seemed to have gotten heavier while I was lost in thought and now, it was starting to seep into my clothes which only served to make me feel even more miserable than before. The temperature inside here must have been warm enough at least but outside... There was simply no shelter against this downpour whatsoever! My whole body was drenched by the time the taxi arrived ten minutes later and all I wanted right now was for this driver to get me out of this rain as soon as possible so he could turn up the heat inside his vehicle at last.

The driver's accent surprised me when he spoke English after he opened his passenger door for me though. "Where are you headed?" His voice sounded very friendly somehow despite how distorted his German words sounded with his strong accent after all these years living abroad in America or wherever he may have been from originally before that happened. But maybe that was just my imagination playing tricks on me after all those lonely nights spent thinking about better days back home during those last six months…. And wishing desperately that they would return once again someday….

"Just somewhere close by." I replied quickly before opening my own door and sliding inside next to him instead of directly behind him where he'd expected me to sit first off if he hadn't asked me first where exactly I wanted him to take me.... Anyway, it didn't matter anymore because we were already driving away from the airport now without worrying about such trivial matters anymore anyway..... It's not like we'd be seeing each other again after today anyway….. At least not until our paths cross again in an entirely different part of this world one day perhaps….. But probably never again here…… After all, this taxi ride was just another insignificant event in an otherwise uneventful life…. In fact, nothing more than a tiny footnote hidden somewhere deep within this diary as proof that something actually did happen today at least…. Because every moment spent alone counts for something now doesn't it? They all represent potential opportunities for self-improvement after all don't they? Every day spent alone is just another opportunity for us to grow wiser about ourselves and our place in this world….