Surfing With Farts: Fiona da Ballila's Finest Hour

"It's not at all like I thought it would be!"

Fiona da Ballila was in a bit of a bind. She had been asked by the local town mayor to spend the day at the beach, signing autographs and making some media appearances - including being caught on camera while surfing! She had practiced with her new wetsuit for weeks, but no matter what she did, her wide hips simply wouldn't fit through the arms. Her assistant had tried everything to make the suit work - even building a miniature chair that would allow her to sit down and zip herself up. But nothing they tried was working. The suit fit well enough around her chest and waist, but the shoulders were just too tight to move. They would need to find another option.

While Fiona pondered how she could get out of this situation, she glanced around the beach house. There were some options to try, but none of them without drawbacks. For example, there was a small settee in the upstairs bedroom that folded out into a large couch. If she were to attempt to put on the wetsuit sitting on that, it would certainly do the trick - except for two things: 1) she would need someone to hold it open for her while she got dressed (something she didn't have), and 2) when she sat down, it would fold down with her and then close up behind her as if it were an umbrella closing - leaving her trapped inside! That would never do!

She looked over towards the back door, where a small deck led into a grassy backyard that sloped gently up towards a low hillside beyond. If only there was a way to stand up on that deck while wearing the wetsuit, then maybe she could slip it over her head and then pull it down over her chest and waist - leaving only her legs inside until she stepped off the deck! "That's it! Let me try that." Fiona called over her shoulder. She heard footsteps running across the floor behind her as someone followed her instructions and opened the door leading outside.

Fiona pulled herself off of the sofa, grunting loudly as she strained against the tight rubber gripping tightly against her body. "Oh, my!" She exclaimed as she struggled to stand upright. Her assistant hurriedly helped hold up one side of the wetsuit while Fiona leaned forward and raised one leg toward the sky with both hands on top of her knee - hoping desperately that this plan would work! "Hurry up!" She grunted again as she flexed every muscle in her body in unison to get herself standing upright again. Then finally, after what seemed like forever later, Fiona felt herself slowly slipping off of the couch onto one foot while still balancing precariously on top of it with both hands pushing against gravity in an attempt to keep herself up - while also trying not to fall over sideways into either direction! Just when all hope seemed lost, however, something miraculous happened: Fiona finally stood all the way up - free from any furniture support whatsoever!

"Yes!" She exclaimed triumphantly once again as both feet left the floor and found themselves planted firmly into their new home: solid ground under them. With both hands now free to use thanks to no longer needing them for balance anymore, Fiona reached down towards where she thought her face might be and slipped both hands under where she hoped was a chin strap hiding somewhere within inches from where they lay grasping at air between them. With a swift pulling motion, Fiona began releasing any constriction that had been troubling her throughout her struggle. Her assistant quickly grabbed both ends of the suit, ready to assist if needed. As quickly as possible, she located the zipper handle and without hesitation or further delay, Fiona gave one last mighty tug directly downward.

With the wetsuit finally fitting properly, Fiona da Ballila was able to confidently make her grand entrance at the beach, ready for the media appearances and autograph signings. The surfing, however, would be an entirely new challenge to overcome. But with her indomitable spirit and the help of her trusty assistant, there was no doubt she'd make a splash.