Bouncing into Forever: The Eastern Kingdom Adventure

I've been taking a long hard look at myself for the past few years now. I've always been a pretty big guy and that has never changed. Although, it was never as noticeable until I started going to the gym. Now I'm great with my arms and my core but my legs are a complete disaster.

The only thing that has changed is how much of a disgrace I am to society.

Other people are not like me. They get up and go to work, they eat well, they wear clothes that fit, they smell good, and they have friends who don't judge them by their appearance. They have girls who like them, they get promotions...

I had no idea what to do with myself so I started working out more and eating less. It's all too much for me now. The gym is my sanctuary but its also where I'm most vulnerable. What if everyone could see what I really am? That I'm a fat fucking loser who can barely lift anything heavier than his own body weight? What if someone saw me in the locker room changing?

I never used to care about that stuff back when things were better for me but now I do.

What if someone sees me in the mirror when I'm having a bad day? What if someone from work or from somewhere sees me on their way home?

I think about what it would be like to walk into the gym one day and find out that there are no free machines or weights left. No dumbells left to curl, no squat racks available to safely use, and no treadmill available to burn off all this excess energy inside of me through exercise.

But then another part of me tells myself that maybe, just maybe, something will change in my life. Maybe some girl will see past my physical appearance and take an interest in me because she likes the way my eyes look when she holds eye contact with me during a conversation or because she likes the way my voice sounds when we talk on the phone at night or because she likes the way my hands feel when we hold hands walking down the street together holding each others gaze with our eyes locked onto each others sight as we pass strangers on the sidewalk who are staring at us looking at us as though they know something we don't know but they also can't tell us why they're looking at us like we're different from everyone else walking down the street even though we're doing exactly what everyone else is doing: Walking down the street holding hands...

I sit on the couch watching TV feeling depressed and angry at myself for being so pathetic but then again.. Maybe some girl will see past my visible physical appearance and take an interest in me because she likes how thick my eyebrows look when she looks into my brown eyes and sees how long her brown hair looks against her face as it falls towards her shoulders framing her perfect skin tone that peeks through a smile as though she knows something about life that other people don't know...