Aegaeus and the Romancing Quest

"You have got to be fucking kidding me."

I landed in the middle of a damn field. No, not the middle of a damn field, but actually in the middle of a goddamn field! There was like...grass everywhere. I swear to God there was an entire forest ahead of me, but it's hard to tell when you're falling from the sky and everything is a blur. But yeah, there was grass and dirt and rocks and stuff everywhere. Where even did I land? I don't know. Did I hit my head? I still don't know. The only thing that I *do* know is that I'm going to die if I stay here long enough. The sun is setting, so at least that gives me some time. And what the fuck am I wearing? This isn't normal attire for a warrior. It's too...pretty? And these shoes feel like they weigh three tons each! You can't run in this shit, or even walk without being ridiculously slow. So I've got some time until night falls, but then what? Fuck all this, why couldn't they just throw me on a hill or something? At least then I could see where I'm going better than this! Ugh...but what else can I do? Goddamnit, why does everything seem so...green?

I mean look at this shit! Look at *this* shit! There's no goddamn path! How am I supposed to get anywhere?! Oh wait...can you hear that? Is that screaming? Screaming from somewhere behind me? Or maybe it's the wind blowing through these stupid-ass plants...wait...no, it definitely sounds like screaming. Holy shit, someone's dying out here in the middle of nowhere! Well no one else seems to be around so whatever it is can wait until tomorrow morning. For now, let's just figure out where we are and try not to die in the process because apparently we're a dumbass for being here in the first place! So far it looks like we landed somewhere in France or Italy or something because there's mountains off in the distance (of course). When you're falling from space you don't really have time to look around and make sure you're landing inside your home country so...whatever. Hey wait a second, do you smell that? That smells pretty fucking good. Like meat cooking on an open fire or something. Whatever it is though, it's super close by so let's go investigate this smell before we die of starvation today instead of waiting until tomorrow morning like we should have done with that screamo-thingy.

Well holy shit! It looks like we landed right next to a small village! Look at all these people! Everyone seems pretty happy too! Now that we've found civilization again maybe we can finally get our bearings straight and start figuring out where exactly on Earth we are and how many people are trying to kill us with swords and arrows right now because apparently everyone hates us even though they don't even know who we are yet. Wait...what was that last part again? That guy over their looks like he said something about killing somebodies though...? Well whatever it is doesn't matter because he doesn't follow through with his statement and instead sells us some wine which is surprisingly very high quality for such an isolated little village as this one seems to be. Hmmm wine is pretty good when you haven't had any in a while so maybe let's buy more of it from this kind man before he changes his mind about us buying his wine for some reason or another.

Now that we have a full bag of wine lets go find ourselves some food because holy shit were starving after eating nothing but dry bread for two days straight ever since our plane crashed into the ocean after somehow surviving being shot down by enemy fighters while flying through enemy territory alone without any other allies or reinforcements standing alongside us during our mission hoping to somehow survive long enough to begin evacuations across enemy lines back towards our home base which was located deep within enemy territory anyway but hey what are you gonna do right? It happens sometimes but luckily for us we survived somehow despite all odds against us so let's not dwell on our past mistakes today except for when it comes to buying those grapes from back there but other than that let's just drink this wine and eat whatever food these nice villagers happen to have lying around somewhere nearby because apparently these people love wine as much as we do so they must also love eating food whenever they can find themselves eating food whenever they can find themselves eating food wherever they might happen to be able [TO BE] [FOOD] when they're eating [WHEREVER THEY MIGHT BE WHEN THEY'RE EATING FOOD].

As soon as we've finished one meal another villager comes up asking if he can speak with us about something important which turns out to be him wanting us to help save his love who has been kidnapped by the evil tyrant who rules over this village seemingly without any opposition whatsoever but whatever they need my help with that's fine with me because hey how much worse could things get than having your life constantly under threat from every single person who doesn't want you alive anyways? Not much worse if you ask me although honestly I'm more concerned about finding my own love back home than helping someone else find theirs but whatever this guy needs my help with regardless so let's get our priorities straight here and show him where his lover is located already because fuck if I know how anyone can live here anyways when there are fucking evil tyrants running around kidnapping women left and right everywhere you go but hey what do *I* know about living here anyways except for the fact that everyone thinks my own girlfriend who lives back in Greece is also kidnapped even though she isn't kidnapped at all which really pisses me off because she deserves better than someone like me who isn't strong enough to protect her from people who probably aren't trying to kidnap her at all anyways despite what everyone thinks thank God she loves me anyways otherwise she'd probably have dumped my ass weeks ago after hearing all those false accusations against her but oh well she didn't dump my ass anyways which is good because otherwise i'd probably just be sitting out here drinking wine in Italy or France or wherever the fuck i'm supposed to be right now instead of saving someone else's woman back at home which would totally suck balls but hey whatever i'm not gonna complain about what happened because she didn't dump my ass anyways even though i'm pretty sure i'm never actually gonna see her again after today anyhow unless someone decides to invade Greece and bring down democracy once and for all but hey like i said earlier whatever i'm not gonna complain about what happened after today anymore because i'll probably never see her again anyways unless someone brings down democracy wherever they happen to be invading Greece today anyway so let's stop talking about all this political bullshit now because politics really sucks balls anyways especially when you're fighting wars against people who want nothing more than for you kill them no matter how hard you try not kill them yourself and instead only defend yourself against them etc etc etc anyways politics sucks so let's go save some woman from getting kidnapped alright alright alright alright???