Shadows of the Past, Lights of the Future: Tim and Emi's Journey

"I can't stop thinking about him."

"I know. You said that already."

"I know," I whisper as tears stream down my face. "But I can't stop. I just want…"

"You want him to love you. But I'm telling you, he doesn't." Emi's voice is flat and resigned. She knows what she's talking about. She's been there, done that, got the cardigan sweater with a hole in the elbow to prove it. "Don't make the same mistake I made. He's not capable of loving anyone but himself. He'll use you up until you're nothing but a husk and then he'll leave you for someone else with a clean slate."

"No," I sob, "he wouldn't do that to me."

Emi sighs. "Wouldn't he? Think about it, Tim. Hasn't he already?" Hearing her say my name makes me cry harder. It's true, of course it is, but hearing it aloud makes the realization hit home all the more sharply. Emi continues softly, "The thing is, after he gets bored with you, he'll move on to someone else who thinks they have something special going on with him. And they will think they're special too because they've never known him like all of us have known him."

"But I'll be alone again if this ends now," I argue feebly though there's no conviction in my voice or my heart. Things have moved so fast between me and Emi since she and Tim reconnected last week after twenty years apart. And now…now everything has changed again just as quickly as it was first moving along at such an incredible pace toward something new and exciting and wonderful. No, not wonderful - perfect! That's what it was before Emi had to go and ruin everything by telling me what I was too blind to see before: that Tim only wants me for sex and is incapable of caring for anyone other than himself; that he's used hundreds of women like me for his own pleasure over the years; that he leaves them broken once their usefulness to him has ended; that he lies and manipulates people into believing things about him that aren't even remotely true – or maybe are and are just twisted beyond recognition into something perverse; that he pretends to be someone loving while all the while being cruel and hurtful behind closed doors; that he looks at people through a lens of privilege and entitlement; that…that…that….

Did Tim ever love me? Or did he just use me to get off when we were together? Did he care about me or did he just think it was fun to play around with his favorite mentee's naïve submissive side? Did our time together mean anything to him at all? Was any of it real? Or was I just another piece on his personal sex toy buffet?

"Stop crying!" Emi snaps at me suddenly, startling me out of my thoughts which are spiraling downward toward something dark and dangerous from which there seems no escape once one begins to fall in its dark embrace. "Stop crying right now! You have to pull yourself together like a big girl!" She grabs my face in her hands forcefully then presses her thumbs under my lower eyelids digging hard into them forcing my eyes open until I cry out in pain and she releases her hold on me abruptly causing me to stagger back against the wall behind where I am sitting on the bed we have been sharing since she arrived here last week after being released from prison where she'd been sent for trying to kill herself and Tim by burning down their mansion as they slept inside after ingesting a massive quantity of drugs during one of their parties where everyone wore masks so no one could identify who any particular person might be with certainty through their facial features – including each other! It was so crazy!

"LOOK AT ME!" Emi yells at me again startling another gasp out of me as she grabs my shoulders roughly shaking them back and forth violently until my head snaps back and forth between sides several times before she finally lets go allowing me fall forward onto her lap limp from fear as well as exhaustion from crying too much. Emi stares down into my face intently for several seconds before asking quietly but with fiery intensity burning in her eyes (which look identical to mine except hers are green instead of brown like mine), "Do you understand what I'm saying?"

I nod shakily tasting bile in the back of my throat threatening to vomit up all over both of us which would be totally humiliating - but not nearly as humiliating as being used by Tim again while thinking we were building something special together only to find out later that wasn't really possible given how shallow his character really is! God! How could I be so stupid?! How could I let myself believe anything different than what Emi has told me without even taking a moment to question whether or not her version might be closer to the truth?! Why did I jump so quickly into bed with her thinking our connection was real?! Why didn't I take more time getting to know the real Emi before jumping headlong into a relationship with her!? What if she never tells me how important it is not to trust Tim because she knows better than anyone what kind of man he really is?! What if…what if…what if….