Petal's Planet-wide Perambulation

"You can't go pee in the middle of this desert! You're gonna get attacked by a sand monster or something!"

I rolled my eyes. "It's not even the middle of the day, and it's not a desert, it's a valley."

"Whatever, you know what I mean." He squinted at me, trying to read my expression. "You gotta hold it for a while. We gotta-"

"No." I put my hands on my hips and stared him down. "No we don't have to hold anything for a while. It's been like, three hours since we've stopped here. If you didn't have so much booze at lunchtime, I wouldn't be having this problem right now."

He winced as if I'd slapped him and looked away from me. "Ah, it doesn't matter anymore anyway, we're here to explore!" He was trying his best to sound excited but his voice came out more like he had just swallowed chewing gum and was waiting for it to digest before he said anything else.

I rolled my eyes again and turned away from him. "We've been traveling for three weeks together and I still haven't seen an inch of Mars that isn't covered in rocks," I muttered as I started walking towards the purple hill in the distance. My first reaction was to glance behind me to see how close he was but instead I looked forward again, pretending that I hadn't noticed he hadn't followed me. The urge to start walking faster was almost too great but somehow I managed not to turn back around.

A few minutes later I heard footsteps approaching from behind me and relaxed slightly. At least he wasn't going to leave me here alone in the middle of nowhere after treating me like that back there. Something about knowing that he'd stuck with me all this time made me feel empowered, like I could do anything now that I had someone supporting me - even if that person was rude as hell most of the time.

I heard him breathing heavily behind me when we reached the bottom of the hill, which looked exactly like every other purple hill we had encountered so far on our journey through Mars. "Holy shit," he gasped suddenly, making me jump slightly in surprise as well.

I turned around with a laugh but then froze when I saw what he was staring at so intently: a door in the side of the hill with big letters above it that read 'PEE'. Next to it was another door with a sign reading 'SPACE'. Unbelievable! We'd finally found something that wasn't yet another purple hill and apparently it was just what we needed!

I rushed over to the door marked PEE and opened it without hesitation as if there were no possibility of danger inside at all when clearly there must be something dangerous going on here or why would they need two doors for peeing? There were two stall-like structures inside with toilets in them - complete with urinals! We were saved!

I quickly shut the door behind us and walked over to one of stalls with a sigh of relief and turned around just in time to see my boyfriend walk into another stall where he immediately took off all his clothes before sitting down on one of the toilets and starting to pee loudly next to me! "What are you doing?!" His response sounded muffled because he kept his eyes closed while answering but somehow that just made things worse: "What does it look like I'm doing? Going pee?" Is this some kind of joke?! There is no way we're gonna survive very long if this is how people behave here! Maybe all those rumors about Martian murderers who stalk travelers were true after all... Maybe they'll kill us both here today and no one will ever find our bodies because who knows how long these doors will keep working? Worst case scenario: forever! But who cares? At least we'll be safe from the cold weather up here once we're dead... And maybe this guy won't be such an asshole anymore once we die anyway so maybe dying isn't *that* bad after all... Wait... What am I thinking?! This is ridiculous! We're not gonna die today dammit! No way! Not until we've explored every last inch of Mars first... And probably after that too... Who knows? Maybe they'll have more doors like this one when we go outside again..."Didn't you hear what they said at the Space Station?" My boyfriend's voice cut through my thoughts again while he continued urinating into one of their fancy urinals: "Mars has lotsa water!" His words sounded so excited but also oddly slurred at the same time so maybe he wasn't aware that he'd misread their words about seeing water on Mars incorrectly after all... Or maybe whatever happened between us earlier had made him forget everything except for how badly he needed to pee... Whatever happened at lunchtime certainly didn't seem like it had been very good for his memory either... But did he really forget everything about how mean he'd been back there or did he just not care anymore? He seemed much nicer now than before - almost friendly even..."They said there are lotsa water supplies here!" He continued talking as if nothing had happened between us earlier but still kept his eyes closed: "But you can only see them from above ground." He finished talking by opening his mouth wide and swallowing as fast as possible before hopping off his toilet seat while still wiping himself dry with a paper towel before putting his clothes back on again..."So obviously you gotta climb up these hills until you find water!" Now fully clothed again, he grabbed my hand and pulled me outside - where the sun shone brightly upon us both after being out of sight for a few minutes: "And then you drink it!" He laughed loudly at his own joke before letting go off my hand again and walking past me towards another purple hill only meters away:"And then you climb up that one too!" He shouted over his shoulder while laughing happily again:"And then you drink from that one too!" Suddenly stopping dead in his tracks, he turned around and stared straight into my eyes with an intense look on his face:"And then you drink from this one too!" Now laughing uncontrollably: "And then..." Taking deep breaths between each sentence:"Then..." Finally calming down enough for coherent speech again:"Then... Then... Then..." Losing control once more:"Then you finally die!!" That last word came out sounding more like a scream than actual speech as he doubled over laughing hysterically..."WITH YOUR STOMACH FULL OF WATER!! HAHAHAHA!!!" After laughing so hard that tears ran down his face, he staggered backwards until he reached a rock next to him where he sat down while still laughing hysterically some more."Oh boy..." As soon as I could breathe normally again myself, I walked over to him slowly: "... How many drinks did you have at lunchtime today?" His laughter abruptly stopped when I asked him this question so instead of answering right away he simply shook his head side-to-side lightly while looking up at me with big round eyes open wide:"How many drinks did *you* have?" A nervous smile appeared on his face while waiting for my answer: "... Cause if you tell me exactly how many drinks *you* had today then maybe I can guess how many drinks *I* had today..." Slowly closing his eyes again:"Because this feels like amnesia or something..." Opening them back up again:"Or maybe some kind of weird waking dream..." Staring ahead blankly:"Like when your brain forgets itself entirely." Suddenly looking up at me again:"Or maybe when your brain stops remembering everything altogether." Slowly shaking his head back-and-forth once more:"Who knows?!" The smile disappeared from his face seconds later: "... Or does knowing exactly how many drinks you had make everything better somehow?" His voice sounded nervous now: "Was your lunchtime better than mine?" Utterly confused by all these strange questions, I tried ignoring them by responding directly instead: "... Well yeah," I began slowly,"but only because everyone else seemed way worse off than us!" His eyes sparkled as they followed mine whenever they moved around in their sockets: "... But was your lunchtime better than mine?" Again ignoring him completely by moving on with my own story: "... Honestly though," continuing after taking a deep breath first,"I think everyone else must have gotten way worse deals than any deal anyone got today cause their lunches cost way more than ours did - especially considering how expensive alcohol is here compared to Earth prices." His eyes narrowed slightly as if thinking about something important: "... Oh yeah?" Trying hard not to laugh again:"But was your lunchtime better than mine?" Again ignoring him completely by moving on once more with my own story instead: "... Yeah sure why not," changing topics after taking another deep breath only seconds later:"But seriously dude - did you drink too much during lunchtime today?" His expression changed instantly as soon as those words left my mouth: "... Noooooo why would anyone ever do that?!", shaking his head vigorously back-and-forth now. For some reason this made me want desperately to just laugh along with him instead but somehow I managed not to do that which made me proud instead - especially since none