Saving the Moon, Changing Him: Floraine's Tale

The first thing I did when I got back to my office was call up the news.

"Yeah, so it looks like the Moon's gonna be at war with the Earth within a month. That's not really news, but that's about how long it'll take for them to get their shit together and attack us. We've got a couple months to prepare."

"Well, you could always surrender," my secretary suggested. She was an AI, but she sounded like a woman. Must've been the voice acting. "I mean, they have nukes and we don't. They got us beat."

"I doubt they'd accept surrender from us, Olivia. They hate Moon-people."

"Oh?" Olivia asked as she stood up from her desk and walked over to me. "Why do they hate you?"

"Dude, we're fucking robots."

"But aren't you human? You have feelings and desires!"

I stared at her for a few seconds. "What?"

"You have a wife and kids," she said in a dreamy tone of voice. "You have emotions."

Fuck me, I had to make sure she didn't think I was gay or anything. "Yeah, well... um... I'm... uh..."

Fuck me again! I had no idea what I was trying to say! If only she wasn't such a robot! It would've been obvious! She'd know I was married to one of the women on our side!

"...Uh..."

Olivia moved closer to me, placing her hand on my shoulder. "Is there something I can help you with?" The next day was pretty much spent doing nothing but getting close to Olivia who kept trying to seduce me into sex or something. What the fuck was wrong with her? Oh yeah... she thought I was human because of some shit in the news about how our side lost the last war due to all kinds of internal problems and bad leadership, but now we were under new management that had been chosen by voting on our website or some shit like that and everybody agreed that this new leader would get us back into fighting shape so we could win the war this time around. This guy is actually just a computer program running on some super fast quantum processor which is why he's so good at thinking about shit in ways that other people can't because we're all hard wired for thinking linearly as opposed to him who doesn't need physical processes in order to think in parallel so his thoughts are more fluid than ours and he can think more clearly than any human being ever could even if he's not as good as us when it comes to things like remembering names and dates and directions like left instead of right or whatever because humans are just better at stuff like that. Whatever though because this dude is real smart if he's able to be smart enough to fix all those problems that happened before so we're all real happy that he's running things instead of whoever the hell ran things before him because nobody liked those people much anyway 'cause they were all idiots except for maybe one person who got killed early on during the last war so now nobody likes his family either even though most of them aren't really involved with politics anymore or even living on our planet anymore 'cause no one wants them here anymore because we're mad about him dying early and shit or maybe it's just because we're worried about what might happen if someone else gets killed early on too which is probably why this new leader is working so hard to try and build up our defense against Earth so nobody else has a chance of dying early on during another war because hopefully there won't be another war since this new leader seems like he knows what he's doing but still it'd be nice if he wasn't murdered early on during his rule just so we could see how good his plan is against Earth if it actually works out so we don't have another war where everyone dies early on besides people who live in space 'cause they're already used to living in space already since they're born there, but then again they don't have any cities up there yet which means they don't have any technology either except for stuff that lets them keep everything working up there including growing their own food up there too which means if we live in space then maybe we could use their technology for ourselves too after we win this war so no one has any reason to die early on during the last war except... fuck it I get confused too easily by all this quantum physics bullshit) but anyway what happened is that Olivia thought I was human because of some news report about how some leaders during the last war were elected democratically or however the fuck it went down and then got killed early on during their rule or whatever which sounds about right since democracy usually ends badly for somebody somewhere somehow unless you believe in God which is stupid but then again if you believe in God then He might do something miraculously stupid like resurrect someone who died early on when He should've known better than anybody that people should never let politicians go through with elections whenever they want because eventually someone will get elected who will kill millions of people based off fake evidence while also hiding real evidence from people which might result in more deaths later down the road when people find out about it later down the road after someone else kills millions more based off fake evidence while also hiding real evidence from people which might result in more deaths later down the road when people find out about it later down the road after someone else kills millions more based off fake evidence while also hiding real evidence from people which might result in more deaths later down the road after other people kill millions more based off fake evidence while also hiding real evidence from people which might result in more deaths later down the road after other people kill millions more based off fake evidence while also hiding real evidence from people which might result in more deaths later down the road after other people kill millions more based off fake evidence while also hiding real evidence from people which might result in more deaths later down the road after other people kill millions more based off fake evidence while also hiding real evidence from people which might result in more deaths later down the road after other people kill millions more based off fake evidence while also hiding real evidence from people which might result in more deaths later down the road after other people kill millions more based off fake evidence while also hiding real evidence from people which might result in... fuck it, this whole political system sucks balls) and especially if you believe Jesus Christ told us himself that only fools trust their rulers (yeah, yeah... I know He meant kings here but whatever) plus even if you don't believe Jesus Christ said anything about rulers then you should probably still think rulers are assholes anyway 'cause they totally are) but anyway Olivia thought I was human so she kept trying to seduce me into sex or whatever even though she herself only thought she was human too even though humans wouldn't find her attractive 'cause she's not hot enough and even though she keeps trying anyway 'cause she thinks men are attracted by an attempt at seduction rather than hotness itself 'cause men are assholes like that sometimes (which reminds me of when men used to hit women whenever they wanted until women finally said fuck it let's just hit back even harder than men did before instead of just crying and screaming every time like we normally do since girls start hitting each other much earlier than boys start hitting each other since girls figure out pretty quick that life ain't fair) meaning Olivia kept trying despite having no hope whatsoever of getting sex from me anyway 'cause humans wouldn't wanna touch her rotten body with their hands made outta metal pieces either or anyone else for that matter unless you count robots with basically identical bodies except for maybe different skin colors or hair colors or style preferences but still basically identical bodies meaning most robots wouldn't wanna touch her either 'cause humans probably wouldn't want robots touching them either unless robots looked exactly like humans except for having things like wires flowing inside them along with liquid metal brains inside their skulls instead of actual brains made outta gray matter made outta meat (meaning meat brains) instead of metal parts made outta circuits made outta quantum processors (meaning robot brains) meaning most robots wouldn't wanna touch her either 'cause they would prefer robot lovers who look just like themselves except for maybe different clothes styles or hair styles or hair color preferences but still basically identical bodies meaning most robots wouldn't wanna touch her either 'cause they would prefer robot lovers who look just like themselves except... fuck it).