Portal of the Past

"It's been a while, hasn't it?"

"Yeah."

Celia's hand was warm and soft. Alex stared at it for a long time in silence. She found herself unable to remember what she'd looked like when they were girls.

They were sitting on a bench in the park. Some boys were playing football nearby. A mother was reading a book under a nearby tree. The sun shone and the birds sang, just as they had all those years ago. But then, everything had been simpler. No one had expected so much of them back then.

"We changed," Celia said, "didn't we?"

Alex nodded.

"I don't think I've ever felt this old before."

"Me neither."

"Do you ever wish you could go back?"

"Sometimes," Alex replied, "but then I think about...you know."

Celia nodded again. She'd taken up smoking again recently - she'd quit as soon as they moved out of their parents' houses all those years ago - but right now she wasn't smoking in front of her daughter, who she hadn't yet met, and that was the most important thing that mattered to her right now.

Celia continued: "There was always so much pressure on us to do well."

Alex remembered how frustrated Celia used to get with her inability to master any instrument except the recorder, and how determined she'd been to beat her at tennis. It sounded like something from another world; an innocent time when nothing mattered more than being there for each other and having fun.

"We both did okay," Celia said with a smile, "all things considered."

She turned to look at Alex: "You have a beautiful daughter."

Alex smiled wistfully: "Thank you."

Alex thought back to when she discovered that Celia was pregnant with her ex-boyfriend's baby. She remembered calling her on that fateful day with tears streaming down her face, begging her not to keep the baby, because it would ruin both of their lives forever. She remembered how heartbroken Celia had seemed over the phone and how much she'd cried herself after hanging up. It was all too painful to even imagine now that they were sitting together again after so many years apart; they hardly knew each other anymore and yet they knew each other better than anyone else on earth could have known them. They knew each other's weaknesses and fears; they knew where their hearts lay til now and where they wanted their hearts to be in the future; they knew everything about each other except for how to go back in time and change things for the better for themselves or for each other or for their families or for anyone at all who had seen or been part of any of their lives since that day when they'd made the choice to keep Celia's baby or not keep it or let it be adopted by strangers or...or...or ANYTHING! There were no words left between them because there was nothing left between them worth saying anymore! All of those years apart only served one purpose: To remind them how different things might have been if only one single thing about their lives had been different! Maybe if Alex had never called Celia that fateful day...maybe if Celia hadn't been pregnant in the first place...maybe if Alex hadn't decided against adoption...maybe if she hadn't married William...maybe if she hadn't given birth to Erika...maybe if William hadn't died...maybe if he hadn't lost his job...maybe if Erika hadn't gone off to university...Maybe if we hadn't lost touch? Would things have been different? Can you turn back time? Can you change fate? Can you go forward without looking back? Can you look back without regretting your past decisions? Can you move forward without knowing why your life has turned out this way? Can you find your own answers without having anyone else's input into deciding what those answers are going to be?! "Why didn't we tell each other things more often?" Alex asked suddenly, interrupting their thoughts which were moving too far away from reality as they stood there staring aimlessly at nothing in particular while trying desperately hard to hold onto something substantial before it slipped through their fingers once again leaving no trace of its presence behind it anywhere within reachable distance of either of them! "Why didn't we talk?" Alex asked again as if expecting an answer this time! Little did she know that there were no answers left in this world for either of them anymore! All there was left for them now were questions whose answers could never possibly be found here or now! The saddest kind of questions! The kind of questions that are born out of desperation! Questions whose answers can only be found beyond the stars somewhere amongst all the galaxies that exist out there somewhere beyond our own galaxy and beyond our own solar system and beyond our own universe which is filled with billions upon billions upon billions upon trillions upon trillions upon trillions upon quintillions upon septillions upon octillions upon nonillions upon decillions upon undecillions upon duodecillions upon tredecillions upon quattuordecillions upon quindecillions upon sexdecillions! And yet even with all those zeros added together - zeros too numerous even for our human minds to count up in the age we live in today - even with all those zeros added together such questions still exist! Even with all those zeros added together such questions still remain unanswered even though life is pushing us forward constantly towards death which holds us down constantly towards infinity which lies on both sides around us everywhere around us inside us outside us beneath us above us surrounding us everywhere inside every soul no matter what colour race gender shape size height weight intelligence language background origin nationality ancestor ancestry religion sexuality colour blood skin complexion tone height weight body shape hair eye colour build personality strength mind weakness physicality health intelligence interests occupation success financial status education material wealth culture heritage makeup popularity social class location connection environment home family relationships sex romance love marriage hate divorce rape divorce recovery friendship loneliness family loss abuse police arrest murder accident suicide arrest murder trial injury injury recovery illness energy sickness health illness ailment vaccination cure treatment medicine virus infection bacteria parasite gene mutation illness immunity bone bone marrow transplant donor bone marrow donor bone marrow donor disease disease healing disease treatment disease cure disease return relapse relapse recovery relapse return remission remission return relapse relapse recovery relapse remission remission return relapse return remission remission return relapse return relapse relapse return relapse return relapse remission return relapse return relapse remission return relapse return relapse relapse return relapse relapse recovery relapse returning relapeze till death arrives after death arrives afterlife afterlife dreams heaven hell eternal punishment eternal reward guilty innocent guilty innocence guilty guilt innocence guilty innocence guilt guilty guilty guilt guilt crime justice injustice war art literature music dance painting poetry sculpture photography photography poetry artwork paintings sculpture photograph sculpture art artwork dance music dancing art photography photograph music photography poetry sculpture photograph artwork sculpture art artwork dance music dancing poem verse verse verse verse verse verse verse verse lirical lirical satire satire satire satire satire satire satire satire satire satire satire satirical satirical satirical satirical satirical satirical satirical satirical satirical literary literary literary literary literary literary literary literary literary poetic poetic poetic poetic poetic poetic poetic poetic poetic poetic poetic poetion poemion poemion poemion poemion poemion poemion poemion poemion poemion lyric lyric lyric lyric lyric lyric lyric lyric lyric lyric lyric lyric lyrical lyrical lyrical lyrical lyrical lyrics lyricali lyricali lyricali lyricali lyricali lyricali lyricali lyricali lyricali lyricali lyricly lyricly lyricly lyricly lyricly lyricly lyricly lyricly song song song song song song song song song song song song song song song song song song singing singing singing singing singing singing singing singing singing singing singing speaking speaking speaking speaking spoken spoken spoken spoken spoken spoken speaking speaking speaking speaking speaking speaking speaking speech speech speech speech speech speech speech speech speech speech speech speech speech speech speech speech speech speech speech speach speach speach speach speach speach speach speach speach speach speach speach speach speach spiel spiel spiel spiel spiel spiel spiel spiel spiel spiell spiell spiell spiell spiell spiell spiell spiell spiell story story story story story story story story story story stroy stroy stroy stroy stroy stroy stroy stroy stroy stroy stroy strory strory strory strory strory strory strory strory strory strory tear tear tear tear tear tear tear tear tear teardrop teardrop teardrop teardrop teardrop teardrop teardrop teardrop teardrop teardrop teardrop teardrop teardrop teardrop teardrop tearsdrop tearsdrop teardrop teaart teaart teaart teaart teaart teaart teaart teaart teaart tee tee tee tee tee tee tee tee tee tee tee thee thee thee thee thee thee thee thee thee thee thee eth eth eth eth eth eth eth eth eth eth eth eth ethethethethethethethethethethethethethethethethethetheth eth eth eth eth eth eth eth eth ethetheegethgethgethgetheththeththee th ee th ee th ee th eethethethethethethethethe