Ben's Big Adventure: Crafting a Better Future with Cafe Latte

"It's official, we're all fucked."

My head hurt. The ringing in my ears was the only sound, but I was sure I just heard the most depressing statement ever uttered past the point where words were no longer necessary. I opened my eyes to see Lenny laying there with his hands over his face staring at the tent roof.

I'm pretty sure this is a dream. I've had dreams like this before and they're always good dreams. Like, a dream you have right before you wake up and it's so real that you try to move your arm or open your eyes but then it hits you that it's just a dream and you're still lying there in bed and your brain is still asleep, dreaming about lying in bed dreaming about being awake but not really awake yet...

"Lenny?" I asked groggily.

He took his hands off his face and looked at me with an expression of utter defeat. "We aren't getting home for Christmas," he said flatly.

I made out what sounded like a donkey braying outside the tent and then remembered where we were.

"Oh, shit..." I mumbled as reality came crashing down on me like the first rain of a summer thunderstorm. We were trapped in Africa for Christmas for some kind of weird shipping mix-up that none of us understood. The company we signed up with was called Cafe Latte - seriously - and when we signed up we thought it was some kind of coffee business venture. Then they shipped us here and explained that they didn't sell coffee, they sold vacations which turned out to be this bizarre survival training camps set up in the middle of fucking nowhere in Africa. It wasn't even South Africa, apparently it was some country called Nambia or something and everyone kept saying Nambia like it was supposed to make sense but no one could explain why Nambia was better than South Africa except for this one guy who kept saying "Nambia is Nambia" until Lenny finally kicked him out of our tent last night because he kept saying it over and over again like some kind of Twilight Zone episode or something. I guess if you lived there it would make sense but since we're from New Jersey calling any place south of us Africa seemed weird at best and racist at worst, but whatever, does anyone really care about stupid shit like that anymore? Not me, that's for damn sure. My head hurts too much to think about stuff like that anyway so let me just focus on how much this sucks for now...

"What are we gonna do?" I asked frantically. "We can't stay here! It's Christmas!" I couldn't believe this was happening to me! First my dog dies and now I'm going to miss Christmas! How could this happen? This is worse than when my mom used to forget to get me presents! What kind of mom forgets her kids birthday? A drunk mom, obviously! What kind of company gives people vacation packages only to send them to places where everyone speaks French or something? And who in their right mind signs up for one of these dumb things anyway? Who wants to go somewhere cold when they live somewhere warm? What kind of sick joke is this? Why am I asking Lenny these questions when he clearly hates me as much as I hate him? ...Probably because he's my only friend here... And probably because he has all the answers... He usually does... God dammit Lenny get over yourself for once! Think about others for once! Don't be so selfish! You're ruining Christmas for everybody with your big nose and stupid mustache! Jesus Christ man relax would you?! You're getting all worked up over nothing! It's just Christmas! It's only like the most important holiday in America or something! You know what?! Who cares about America? Or America care about whatever?! This isn't even America anymore! This is Africa man! This is Nambia! For crying out loud man just calm down already ffs!!! Look at you man heaving all over yourself while taking deep breaths through your nose like a fucking bull ready to charge someone into oblivion while screaming at top of your lungs while thinking happy thoughts while looking at a rainbow while laying on the grass while eating ice cream while listening to rain softly falling while gently caressing a butterfly right before it takes off into the sky carrying fairy dust with it while flying off into space towards a distant galaxy called Alpha Centauri whilst wearing yellow underwear with red polka dots on them!!! Man get a hold of yourself will ya please before someone knocks out two or three teeth from your lower jaw with a tranquilizer dart gun because you really look ridiculous dude!!!"