Adeyami's Sweet and Sour Fate

The cokey is already in my hand, the smoke is filling my lungs. I'm supposed to be working. The man I'm supposed to be servicing is waiting for me. I'm not his first choice, but he's all I've got tonight. He's a good man, and it's no fault of his that he's got taste, so he doesn't make a habit of paying girls like me for sex. He knows how hard it is to survive in this life without the little luxuries.

He takes one look at me and flicks his eyes up at my hairline. I run a hand through my locks, rubbing them back into place. It's too late now anyway. I tip my head back and chug half the glass down in one gulp. He looks away as I hand him back the drink and he pulls out a packet of cigarettes from his pocket. It's just him and me in the room, but it's bigger than most flats these days. This was his dad's old office, now it'll end up being passed down to him one day if things keep going well for him in the family business: drug distribution.

He lights a cigarette and gestures towards the couch before sitting down on an armchair opposite me. Thank god he didn't ask me to sit next to him on the couch; I don't think I could have resisted leaning over and pushing my mouth against his neck as he stroked my hair with a gentle sigh into his ear. My stomach flutters as I feel his warm body heat radiate across the room towards me, and then feel it diminish as he finishes inhaling and exhales away from me into a corner of the room where there is no smoke alarm or window to let out through.

I smile at him as we lock eyes once more; we both know what we're here for. He reaches into his pocket again and pulls out an envelope full of money before handing it over to me casually; like this is something he does every night of the week with somebody else entirely different from me, who isn't always wearing this same dress and has never worn any others for him before tonight because only five people had ever bought her clothes before she met him: her mum, dad, grandma and two younger sisters who were born after she left home for university at eighteen years old because she couldn't handle living with them anymore without losing her mind completely. That was seven years ago now, four hours west of here on foot if you walk fast enough that you pass out from exhaustion by the time you reach your destination, because that's easier than thinking about anything else when your mind is rotting inside its own skull with grief over what you've lost so suddenly before you've even noticed it was there until it's gone forever; when your heart stops beating long enough that its absence becomes so much more noticeable than its presence ever did while it was still beating inside your chest every second of your life since birth until you stopped existing altogether just moments ago yourself: when you become nothing more than a void filled with memories that nobody else remembers anymore except for those people who are dead now too, dead because they couldn't live without their daughter who died too early herself before either of them had even finished growing up...yeah, that was just too much for her to handle alone without losing her mind completely. So she went north instead of west after university after all; maybe if she'd gone west instead things would have been better now but she could never really bring herself to regret leaving home altogether since she hadn't been able to come back often enough anyway since then anyway so it didn't really matter where she chose to go in the end did it? No point getting sentimental about something you can't change now that everything has changed so quickly and dramatically twice already: once when your father dies without warning five years ago and again when your mother dies today with barely enough warning today to get here in time for seeing her alive one last time before she died peacefully surrounded by those closest to her after years of suffering with multiple sclerosis...

"You alright?" His voice snaps me out of my thoughts abruptly as he leans forward towards me with concern written all over his face. My own face drops into shock for a moment as my brain struggles to catch up with what just happened: what was I just thinking about? What had just happened? Where was I? What am I doing here? How did I get here? Who am I? Who is this man sitting across from me? Was he someone important? Why did we have sex earlier? Did we have sex earlier or was that another time entirely? Why can't I remember this right now? What just happened...?

"Y-" My breath hitches in my throat as my own voice makes contact with my ears once more after such a long absence; it sounds familiar somehow but also foreign at the same time. "Yeah." My lips pull upwards into something resembling a smile before falling flat again at the realisation that they are unable to conjure up anything resembling joy or happiness or contentment right now: they feel numb like my brain does right now, empty inside like a void filled only with questions rather than memories or feelings or thoughts or experiences past or present or future...like nothing exists outside of this moment right here where all you can do is stare blankly wondering why you're here doing nothing but waiting for death when death seems inevitable after watching two people die so suddenly within two hours' time...and wondering how soon it'll be before life decides to kill you too instead of waiting until later when people are used to having you around enough that they decide to miss you when you're gone...maybe life will let itself be persuaded by your current view on things right now that *you* would prefer not having death take hold until later rather than sooner as well considering how convinced *you* currently are that *your* life must be almost over already anyway...what are you doing still alive?! You should have been dead ages ago! Why aren't you dead yet?! Who do you think you are?! You haven't even finished growing up yet! You're not ready yet! Go on then! Leave us before we have to force you out! *We* can wait! We've gotten pretty good at waiting by now! We're good at pretending nothing has changed in our world despite losing everything important around us within minutes' notice more times than we can count! We're good at pretending nothing has changed in our hearts despite being worn down bit by bit by each new loss until even our oldest wounds seem like fresh scars all over again every time another part of us falls apart from not changing from what we've always been used to feeling all along...we're good at pretending everything is alright even though everything will never be alright again because we don't know how not to pretend everything is alright anymore after doing it so many times already...go on then! Go die already! You've made us do enough pretending already!"

"Hey..." A gentle hand rests upon mine as the man shakes my shoulder lightly; trying desperately to snap me out of whatever trance-like state I seem stuck in right now staring blankly ahead...the man whose name shouldn't be important but isn't entirely irrelevant either because if things keep going well for him in his family business then maybe one day soon he might consider buying out an entire town just like his great grandfather did decades ago: maybe one day soon he might decide he wants a small empire all his own instead of riding along with his father in theirs instead...but for now it doesn't matter what his name is because all that matters right now is figuring out why this girl keeps staring blankly ahead instead of looking at him like she usually does: smiling softly whilst tucking strands behind her ear absentmindedly while flirting unconsciously while they talk about whatever comes up between them during their time together because they both enjoy each others company so much they don't want these moments together ever ending...because they both know everyone else waits outside these rooms waiting eagerly for them both return so they can resume their places beside others who need their attention equally as much as they needed hers while they were away getting fucked senseless by each other whenever they wanted over something that seems meaningless compared to everything else going wrong outside these rooms tonight which needs fixing urgently both inside their heads and outside their doors because there is no rest from death either so it might as well stop resting even though there will never be any rest from death ever again because who could sleep knowing those closest still need help getting through this final hurdle...?

"No..." The words escape my lips involuntarily before being swallowed up by silence once more as I turn away from him towards the empty space beside me where someone used to be sitting just moments ago...where someone used to be sitting just moments ago but isn't anywhere near close enough anymore thanks to circumstances beyond anyone's control worth trying blaming anyone else for when they could never have predicted them happening anyway despite everyone trying their hardest today regardless of how easy returning home seemed earlier today until this terrible accident happened and took everything away within seconds flat...when everyone knew everyone else had plenty of time left except themselves: when everyone knew everyone else didn't have much longer left except themselves: when everyone knew everyone else wasn't going anywhere anytime soon except themselves: when everyone knew everyone else wasn't going anywhere anytime soon except themselves...