The House of Bitter Sweetness

I don't understand how you can do this all night.

"Do what?" He asks, his eyes darting to the clock. It's two in the morning. He'll be up soon. I have to ask him before he goes. I have to know.

"You know what." I raise my voice a bit. "You know exactly what I'm talking about." His expression doesn't change, not that it ever does. Just a blank stare from those blue eyes of his, staring at me as if they're looking right through me. As if they're bored and just waiting for me to be done so he can leave and go back to whatever it is he's doing when I'm asleep. But I'm not done with him yet, not until I get answers. "Tell me why you're here."

"I told you before," he says in that deep voice, the one that makes my insides melt every time he speaks, "I'm bound here by a demon named Mephistopheles." He puts emphasis on that last word as if it's supposed to mean something to me. Because it doesn't - Mephistopheles means nothing to this housewife from Kansas City. I try to remember where else he said he was from but all I can think about is wanting to see Drew again, my husband who passed away seven months ago and hasn't left me alone since then. Not even for a minute.

"What's your real name?" My voice cracks and tears well up in my eyes again causing him to turn his head away from me, sighing as if he didn't want to deal with this anymore than I did and wishing more than anything that we could just talk like normal people. But we can't because I know there is something wrong with him and something wrong with this house and everything around me feels wrong since Drew died and I want him gone so badly but at the same time ... at the same time ...

"Drew," he mumbles, "Drew Black." His shoulders slump a little as if letting THAT slip out is too much for him too bear and suddenly I wish that demon would take him away from here because maybe then we could have our lives back and it's just not fair that he gets to be here forever when Drew ... when Drew ... No! No! Don't think about it! Don't remember! Forget! Forget! You have to forget!

"And what about her?" The words are out of my mouth before I can stop them: her meaning Tessie, my beautiful little girl who has been dead for over a year now and taken from us after only ten years of life by cancer while Drew was still alive. She was the light of our lives - she brought us together, gave us each other and made our marriage strong; she was so full of life and love and joy despite being born with Down Syndrome since birth - but then she got sick ... God she got sick ... and she died ...

"She's fine." Drew takes a step closer towards me but stops short when I flinch back onto the bed, terrified of him now because while Tessie was beautiful she wasn't perfect like everyone thought of her before she got sick - no one knew how hard it was for her or her family or how much we suffered or how much anger we had inside us or what we went through after she died or how much death changed us both ... especially me...

A tear rolls down my face but unlike the tears before it isn't hot or angry or filled with pain - it is cold as ice, cold as death itself, cold as the most awful truth anyone could ever feel because Tessie isn't fine - not really - she's dead - dead forever - her body broken down into ashes which are buried six feet beneath me now in an icy cold grave that never gets warm no matter how many times they say they will make it easier on us ... no matter how many times they say they care their hearts must be colder than mine because they can never feel the way we do...

So why? Why would you lie? What good does that do? What kind of trickery is this? Is this punishment? Is it revenge? Has Hell sent its demons after Drew Black because they want some sort of retribution for what happened to their princess? What did happen anyway? And why didn't anyone tell me? Why didn't anyone tell me? Why wouldn't anyone tell me? Am I in Hell too? Are you punishing me? Is that why you won't go away? Are you here so we can suffer together for eternity like some sort of sick punishment for daring to love Tessie even though she had Down Syndrome?! For loving her so much that no one else could understand?! For thinking others would treat her any differently than us?! For wanting people around her always?! For raising her without prejudice?! Is this your way of sentencing us both?! To be here forever?! With each other?! Are you going to watch over us forever?! Like some perverse savior?! Are you going to look over Tessie's grave too?! So you can see for yourself that she's dead?! So you can hear how much we suffer?! So you can watch my heart break everyday over and over again until the world ends around us both?! So you can laugh while seeing us die day after day after day after day after day!!! At least Tessie had ten years! At least Tessie had a life worth living! This is crueler than anything anyone has ever done before! This must be Hell! This must be worse than anything any demon has ever done before!

But then suddenly all the anger leaves my bones like someone has taken all my energy away from me leaving only despair behind and next thing I know Drew is holding me as close as possible, whispering in my ear: "Shhh shhhh shhh ..." into my hair, putting his hands on either side of my head forcing me up into his arms where his lips touch mine softly and gently like he wants nothing more than to take away every tear I've ever cried since Tessie died ... like he somehow knows how much pain I've felt since then ... like somehow he understands ...