Forgotten Signals

**Tuesday 14th November**

**21:47**

**Vanessa:** Are you home safe?

**21:49**

**Jon:** Yeah. Just walked in.

**21:49**

**Vanessa:** Good.

**21:51**

**Jon:** Charlene's asleep. She was out cold when I got back. Didn't even stir.

**21:53**

**Vanessa:** She's been pushing herself too hard again. I keep telling her.

**21:54**

**Jon:** I know. She doesn't listen.

**21:56**

**Vanessa:** She never did. Even as a little girl. Wouldn't nap. Wouldn't sit still. Drove me mad.

**21:57**

**Jon:** Sounds familiar.

**21:58**

**Vanessa:** What does that mean?

**22:01**

**Jon:** Nothing. Just that she gets it from somewhere.

**22:02**

**Vanessa:** I'm going to pretend you didn't say that.

**22:03**

**Jon:** Probably wise.

**22:07**

**Vanessa:** Graham's asking about you. Well. Not asking exactly. He said your name when I got in. Then he went quiet.

**22:09**

**Jon:** What did he say?

**22:10**

**Vanessa:** Just your name. Then he asked if the car was alright.

**22:11**

**Jon:** The car's fine.

**22:12**

**Vanessa:** I know. I told him.

**22:14**

**Jon:** Is he okay? Apart from the obvious.

**22:16**

**Vanessa:** He's tired. The dialysis takes it out of him. He slept most of the afternoon. I made him soup but he only had a few spoonfuls.

**22:17**

**Jon:** I'm sorry.

**22:18**

**Vanessa:** Don't be. You didn't do anything.

**22:19**

**Jon:** That's not what I meant.

**22:21**

**Vanessa:** I know what you meant.

**22:23**

**Jon:** I should go. Shower. I smell like hospital.

**22:24**

**Vanessa:** You don't.

**22:25**

**Jon:** You can't smell me through the phone.

**22:26**

**Vanessa:** I remember.

**22:28**

**Jon:** Vanessa.

**22:29**

**Vanessa:** What?

**22:31**

**Jon:** Nothing. Goodnight.

**22:32**

**Vanessa:** Goodnight, Jon.

**22:47**

**Jon:** I can't sleep.

**22:49**

**Vanessa:** Neither can I.

**22:50**

**Jon:** I keep thinking about the drive back.

**22:51**

**Vanessa:** Which part?

**22:53**

**Jon:** All of it. The bit where you laughed at my story about the sat nav. The bit where you put your hand on my arm at the lights. The bit where we didn't say anything for twenty minutes and it was the most comfortable silence I've ever had.

**22:55**

**Vanessa:** I remember the silence.

**22:56**

**Jon:** What were you thinking about?

**22:58**

**Vanessa:** I was thinking that I didn't want to get home.

**23:01**

**Jon:** I nearly drove past your turning.

**23:02**

**Vanessa:** I know. I saw your hands on the wheel.

**23:03**

**Jon:** You were watching my hands?

**23:04**

**Vanessa:** I was watching everything. I've been watching you for twenty-two years.

**23:06**

**Jon:** That's a long time.

**23:07**

**Vanessa:** It is.

**23:09**

**Jon:** I used to think I imagined it. That I was just some kid with a crush on his girlfriend's mum.

**23:11**

**Vanessa:** You weren't a kid. You were twenty-one.

**23:12**

**Jon:** I felt like a kid. Around you.

**23:14**

**Vanessa:** You never seemed like a kid to me.

**23:16**

**Jon:** What did I seem like?

**23:18**

**Vanessa:** You seemed like someone who saw me. Not Charlene's mum. Not Graham's wife. Just me.

**23:20**

**Jon:** That's because that's what I saw.

**23:23**

**Vanessa:** I'm going to make a cup of tea. I can't do this on an empty stomach.

**23:24**

**Jon:** Do what?

**23:26**

**Vanessa:** Talk to you like this. It feels dangerous.

**23:27**

**Jon:** It is dangerous.

**23:28**

**Vanessa:** I'll be back in five minutes.

**23:29**

**Jon:** I'll be here.

**23:35**

**Vanessa:** I'm back. Graham's still asleep. I checked on him.

**23:36**

**Jon:** Is he alright?

**23:37**

**Vanessa:** He's fine. Snoring. He always snores when he's on his back.

**23:38**

**Jon:** Charlene does that too.

**23:39**

**Vanessa:** I know. I used to hear her through the wall when she was a teenager.

**23:41**

**Jon:** This is strange. Talking about them.

**23:42**

**Vanessa:** It's necessary.

**23:43**

**Jon:** Is it?

**23:45**

**Vanessa:** We can't pretend it didn't happen. We can't pretend they don't exist.

**23:46**

**Jon:** I know.

**23:48**

**Vanessa:** But I can't stop thinking about it either. About you.

**23:49**

**Jon:** Tell me what you're thinking.

**23:51**

**Vanessa:** I'm thinking about your mouth. The way you kissed me. Like you'd been waiting.

**23:53**

**Jon:** I had been waiting.

**23:54**

**Vanessa:** How long?

**23:55**

**Jon:** Since the first time I met you. You were wearing a blue dress. Charlene's birthday. You'd done your hair up and you had these little earrings that caught the light. I remember thinking you were the most beautiful woman I'd ever seen.

**23:57**

**Vanessa:** I remember that dress. It was too tight. I'd put on weight.

**23:58**

**Jon:** You looked perfect.

**23:59**

**Vanessa:** I was thirty-eight. I felt ancient.

**00:01**

**Jon:** You were thirty-eight and I was twenty-one and I couldn't look at you without my heart racing.

**00:02**

**Vanessa:** Why didn't you say anything?

**00:04**

**Jon:** Because you were my girlfriend's mother. Because I was a kid with no money and no future. Because what was I supposed to say? "I know I'm dating your daughter but I think I'm in love with you"?

**00:06**

**Vanessa:** Were you? In love with me?

**00:08**

**Jon:** I don't know. I was twenty-one. I didn't know what love was. But I knew I wanted you. I knew that when you walked into a room I couldn't breathe properly.

**00:09**

**Vanessa:** I felt it. I felt you watching me.

**00:11**

**Jon:** Did it bother you?

**00:12**

**Vanessa:** No.

**00:13**

**Jon:** That's all you're going to say?

**00:15**

**Vanessa:** It didn't bother me because I was watching you too.

**00:17**

**Jon:** Fuck.

**00:18**

**Vanessa:** Don't.

**00:19**

**Jon:** Don't what?

**00:20**

**Vanessa:** Don't say that. It makes it worse.

**00:22**

**Jon:** Worse how?

**00:23**

**Vanessa:** Worse because I'm sitting here in my kitchen, in my dressing gown, and you're God knows how many miles away, and all I want is for you to be here. And you can't be. And that's the worst thing.

**00:25**

**Jon:** I could drive over.

**00:26**

**Vanessa:** No.

**00:27**

**Jon:** I could. It's forty minutes.

**00:28**

**Vanessa:** Graham's upstairs.

**00:29**

**Jon:** I know.

**00:30**

**Vanessa:** Charlene's asleep in your bed.

**00:31**

**Jon:** I know.

**00:33**

**Vanessa:** So we can't.

**00:34**

**Jon:** I know.

**00:37**

**Vanessa:** But you want to.

**00:38**

**Jon:** You have no idea.

**00:40**

**Vanessa:** I think I do.

**00:42**

**Jon:** I'm lying here in the dark and I can still taste you.

**00:43**

**Vanessa:** Jon.

**00:44**

**Jon:** I can still feel your skin under my hands. The way you arched your back when I kissed your neck. The sound you made.

**00:46**

**Vanessa:** Stop.

**00:47**

**Jon:** Do you want me to stop?

**00:49**

**Vanessa:** No.

**00:50**

**Jon:** Then tell me. Tell me what you remember.

**00:53**

**Vanessa:** I remember standing in the hallway. You'd just come back in from parking the car. You looked tired. You had that crease between your eyebrows that you get when you're worried.

**00:54**

**Jon:** I was worried. About you. About what we'd talked about on the drive.

**00:55**

**Vanessa:** I know. I could see it. And I wanted to make it better.

**00:57**

**Jon:** You did.

**00:58**

**Vanessa:** I remember you looking at me. Just looking. And I knew. I knew what was going to happen.

**01:00**

**Jon:** Did you want it to happen?

**01:01**

**Vanessa:** Yes.

**01:02**

**Jon:** Say it again.

**01:03**

**Vanessa:** Yes. I wanted it. I've wanted it for so long I'd forgotten what it felt like to not want it.

**01:05**

**Jon:** When I kissed you I thought I'd made a mistake. I thought you'd push me away.

**01:06**

**Vanessa:** I didn't.

**01:07**

**Jon:** No. You kissed me back. You kissed me like you were starving.

**01:09**

**Vanessa:** I was. I am.

**01:10**

**Jon:** Where are you now?

**01:11**

**Vanessa:** Sitting at the kitchen table. The one by the window. The one we sat at that night.

**01:13**

**Jon:** I remember. You made tea. I couldn't drink mine. My hands were shaking.

**01:14**

**Vanessa:** I noticed.

**01:15**

**Jon:** I was terrified. And I was harder than I've ever been in my life.

**01:17**

**Vanessa:** I know. I could see.

**01:18**

**Jon:** You looked.

**01:19**

**Vanessa:** Of course I looked. You were standing in my kitchen with your shirt untucked and your belt undone. What was I supposed to do?

**01:21**

**Jon:** You were supposed to tell me to leave.

**01:22**

**Vanessa:** I couldn't.

**01:23**

**Jon:** Why not?

**01:25**

**Vanessa:** Because when you touched my face I forgot everything. I forgot Graham. I forgot Charlene. I forgot that I'm sixty years old and you're forty-three and this is insane.

**01:27**

**Jon:** You're not sixty.

**01:28**

**Vanessa:** I am. As of September.

**01:29**

**Jon:** I know when your birthday is.

**01:30**

**Vanessa:** Of course you do.

**01:32**

**Jon:** You don't look sixty.

**01:33**

**Vanessa:** You're kind.

**01:34**

**Jon:** I'm not kind. I'm honest. You don't look sixty. You look like you did twenty years ago. Better.

**01:36**

**Vanessa:** I've had two children. I've got stretch marks and grey hair and my knees hurt when it rains.

**01:37**

**Jon:** I don't care about any of that.

**01:38**

**Vanessa:** You say that now.

**01:39**

**Jon:** I'll say it in twenty years. I'll say it when you're eighty and I'm sixty-three and we're still sneaking around like teenagers.

**01:41**

**Vanessa:** We can't sneak around for twenty years.

**01:42**

**Jon:** Why not?

**01:43**

**Vanessa:** Because something will happen. Someone will find out. Graham will find out.

**01:45**

**Jon:** Graham doesn't talk to Charlene. He barely talks to you.

**01:46**

**Vanessa:** He's my husband.

**01:47**

**Jon:** I know.

**01:48**

**Vanessa:** He's sick. He needs me.

**01:49**

**Jon:** I know that too.

**01:51**

**Vanessa:** Then what are we doing?

**01:52**

**Jon:** I don't know. I just know I can't stop.

**01:54**

**Vanessa:** Neither can I.

**01:55**

**Jon:** Tell me what happened. After the kitchen.

**01:57**

**Vanessa:** You know what happened.

**01:58**

**Jon:** I want to hear you say it.

**02:00**

**Vanessa:** We went upstairs. To the spare room. Because it's further from Graham. I closed the door and you pushed me against it and kissed me again.

**02:01**

**Jon:** I remember your hands in my hair.

**02:02**

**Vanessa:** I remember your hands everywhere. You couldn't decide where to touch me first.

**02:04**

**Jon:** I wanted to touch all of you at once.

**02:05**

**Vanessa:** You did a good job.

**02:06**

**Jon:** I wanted to be inside you before I'd even got your clothes off.

**02:08**

**Vanessa:** I know. I could feel you. Through your jeans. When you pressed against me.

**02:09**

**Jon:** You made a sound.

**02:10**

**Vanessa:** I couldn't help it.

**02:11**

**Jon:** You said my name.

**02:12**

**Vanessa:** I remember.

**02:13**

**Jon:** Say it again.

**02:14**

**Vanessa:** Jon.

**02:16**

**Jon:** Again.

**02:17**

**Vanessa:** Jon.

**02:18**

**Jon:** I'm touching myself.

**02:19**

**Vanessa:** I know.

**02:20**

**Jon:** Are you?

**02:22**

**Vanessa:** Yes.

**02:23**

**Jon:** Where are you?

**02:24**

**Vanessa:** Still in the kitchen. I've locked the door.

**02:25**

**Jon:** What are you wearing?

**02:26**

**Vanessa:** My dressing gown. Nothing else.

**02:27**

**Jon:** Open it.

**02:29**

**Vanessa:** It's open.

**02:30**

**Jon:** Touch your breasts.

**02:31**

**Vanessa:** I am.

**02:32**

**Jon:** Are your nipples hard?

**02:33**

**Vanessa:** Yes. They've been hard since we started talking.

**02:35**

**Jon:** I want to suck them.

**02:36**

**Vanessa:** You did. Remember? You pushed me onto the bed and you took my nipple in your mouth and I nearly came right then.

**02:38**

**Jon:** I remember. You were so responsive. Every time I touched you you shuddered.

**02:39**

**Vanessa:** It had been so long. Years. I'd forgotten what it felt like to be wanted.

**02:41**

**Jon:** Graham doesn't?

**02:42**

**Vanessa:** Graham can't. Not since the kidney. The medication. It's been three years.

**02:44**

**Jon:** Three years?

**02:45**

**Vanessa:** Three years.

**02:46**

**Jon:** Fuck, Vanessa.

**02:47**

**Vanessa:** I know.

**02:48**

**Jon:** I would touch you every day. Twice a day. I would never stop touching you.

**02:50**

**Vanessa:** Don't make promises you can't keep.

**02:51**

**Jon:** I'm not making promises. I'm telling you what I want.

**02:52**

**Vanessa:** What do you want?

**02:54**

**Jon:** I want to be inside you right now. I want to feel you wrapped around me. I want to hear you moan my name.

**02:55**

**Vanessa:** I'm so wet.

**02:56**

**Jon:** Are you touching yourself?

**02:57**

**Vanessa:** Yes.

**02:58**

**Jon:** Show me. Describe it.

**03:00**

**Vanessa:** I'm sitting at the table with my legs spread. My fingers are inside me. Two of them. The way you did it.

**03:01**

**Jon:** You're so tight. When I put my fingers inside you I thought I'd died and gone to heaven.

**03:02**

**Vanessa:** You said that.

**03:03**

**Jon:** I meant it.

**03:04**

**Vanessa:** I remember you kneeling between my legs. You kissed my thighs. You took your time.

**03:06**

**Jon:** I wanted to taste you.

**03:07**

**Vanessa:** You did.

**03:08**

**Jon:** You came on my tongue. You grabbed my hair and you pulled and you came.

**03:10**

**Vanessa:** Twice.

**03:11**

**Jon:** Twice.

**03:12**

**Vanessa:** I've never done that before. Not like that.

**03:14**

**Jon:** I wanted to make you come until you couldn't think.

**03:15**

**Vanessa:** You did. I couldn't think. I couldn't speak. I just lay there and you climbed on top of me and I felt you against my leg.

**03:17**

**Jon:** I was so hard it hurt.

**03:18**

**Vanessa:** I know. You were dripping.

**03:19**

**Jon:** I wanted to be inside you so badly.

**03:20**

**Vanessa:** I wanted you inside me.

**03:21**

**Jon:** I asked you if you were sure.

**03:22**

**Vanessa:** You did.

**03:23**

**Jon:** What did you say?

**03:24**

**Vanessa:** I said yes. I said please.

**03:26**

**Jon:** You said please.

**03:27**

**Vanessa:** I begged.

**03:28**

**Jon:** I've never heard anything like it.

**03:29**

**Vanessa:** I've never begged before.

**03:30**

**Jon:** When I pushed inside you, you cried out.

**03:32**

**Vanessa:** It hurt. Just for a second. Then it didn't.

**03:33**

**Jon:** You felt incredible. So wet. So tight. I had to stop myself from coming straight away.

**03:34**

**Vanessa:** I remember you shaking.

**03:35**

**Jon:** I was trying to be gentle.

**03:36**

**Vanessa:** You weren't gentle.

**03:37**

**Jon:** I couldn't be. Not after the first minute. You felt too good.

**03:39**

**Vanessa:** I didn't want gentle. I wanted you to fuck me.

**03:40**

**Jon:** You said that. You said "fuck me, Jon. Hard."

**03:41**

**Vanessa:** And you did.

**03:42**

**Jon:** I did.

**03:43**

**Vanessa:** You fucked me so hard the bed hit the wall. I thought Graham would wake up.

**03:45**

**Jon:** He didn't.

**03:46**

**Vanessa:** No. He didn't.

**03:47**

**Jon:** I remember your legs around my waist. Your heels digging into my back.

**03:48**

**Vanessa:** I remember your mouth on my neck. Your teeth.

**03:49**

**Jon:** I wanted to mark you.

**03:50**

**Vanessa:** You did. I've got a bruise.

**03:52**

**Jon:** Where?

**03:53**

**Vanessa:** Here. On my collarbone. I can see it in the mirror.

**03:54**

**Jon:** I want to see it.

**03:55**

**Vanessa:** It's purple. It's the size of a coin.

**03:56**

**Jon:** I'm sorry.

**03:57**

**Vanessa:** Don't be. I've been looking at it all day.

**03:59**

**Jon:** You have?

**04:00**

**Vanessa:** Every time I went to the loo. Every time I passed a mirror. I'd pull my top down and look at it and remember.

**04:02**

**Jon:** God, Vanessa.

**04:03**

**Vanessa:** I know.

**04:04**

**Jon:** I'm close.

**04:05**

**Vanessa:** Me too.

**04:06**

**Jon:** Don't stop.

**04:07**

**Vanessa:** I'm not stopping.

**04:08**

**Jon:** Tell me what you're doing.

**04:10**

**Vanessa:** I'm fucking myself with my fingers. I'm pretending they're you. I'm thinking about the way you felt inside me. The way you filled me up.

**04:11**

**Jon:** You were so tight. You gripped me.

**04:12**

**Vanessa:** I didn't want you to leave.

**04:13**

**Jon:** I didn't want to leave.

**04:14**

**Vanessa:** When you came I felt it. I felt you pulsing inside me.

**04:16**

**Jon:** I came so hard I saw stars.

**04:17**

**Vanessa:** You shouted my name.

**04:18**

**Jon:** I couldn't help it.

**04:19**

**Vanessa:** I put my hand over your mouth.

**04:20**

**Jon:** I remember. Your hand smelled like me.

**04:21**

**Vanessa:** You kissed my palm.

**04:22**

**Jon:** I wanted to stay inside you forever.

**04:23**

**Vanessa:** You stayed for a long time.

**04:24**

**Jon:** Until you pushed me off. You said you couldn't breathe.

**04:26**

**Vanessa:** I couldn't. You're heavy.

**04:27**

**Jon:** Sorry.

**04:28**

**Vanessa:** Don't apologize. It was perfect.

**04:29**

**Jon:** It was.

**04:31**

**Vanessa:** I'm coming.

**04:32**

**Jon:** Me too.

**04:33**

**Vanessa:** Jon.

**04:34**

**Jon:** Vanessa.

**04:35**

**Vanessa:** Oh God.

**04:36**

**Jon:** Fuck.

**04:37**

**Vanessa:** I'm coming.

**04:38**

**Jon:** Me too. Now.

**04:39**

**Vanessa:** Yes.

**04:40**

**Jon:** Fuck.

**04:41**

**Vanessa:** Oh.

**04:43**

**Jon:** That was.

**04:44**

**Vanessa:** Yes.

**04:45**

**Jon:** I need a minute.

**04:46**

**Vanessa:** Take your time.

**04:52**

**Jon:** I'm back.

**04:53**

**Vanessa:** Me too.

**04:54**

**Jon:** I can't believe we just did that.

**04:55**

**Vanessa:** Neither can I.

**04:56**

**Jon:** Are you okay?

**04:58**

**Vanessa:** I'm fine. More than fine. I'm.

**04:59**

**Jon:** What?

**05:00**

**Vanessa:** I don't know. I feel like I've been asleep for twenty years and someone just woke me up.

**05:02**

**Jon:** I know what you mean.

**05:03**

**Vanessa:** Do you?

**05:04**

**Jon:** I've been going through the motions. With Charlene. With work. With everything. I didn't realize how numb I was until you touched me.

**05:06**

**Vanessa:** I didn't do anything special.

**05:07**

**Jon:** You did. You looked at me like I mattered.

**05:09**

**Vanessa:** You do matter.

**05:10**

**Jon:** To you?

**05:11**

**Vanessa:** To me.

**05:13**

**Jon:** What happens now?

**05:14**

**Vanessa:** I don't know.

**05:15**

**Jon:** We can't pretend it didn't happen.

**05:16**

**Vanessa:** No.

**05:17**

**Jon:** Do you want to pretend it didn't happen?

**05:19**

**Vanessa:** No.

**05:20**

**Jon:** Good.

**05:21**

**Vanessa:** But we have to be careful.

**05:22**

**Jon:** I know.

**05:23**

**Vanessa:** Charlene can't know. Graham can't know.

**05:24**

**Jon:** I know.

**05:25**

**Vanessa:** No one can know.

**05:26**

**Jon:** I know, Vanessa.

**05:28**

**Vanessa:** I'm serious.

**05:29**

**Jon:** So am I. I'm not going to tell anyone. I'm not going to do anything stupid.

**05:31**

**Vanessa:** You drove me to London and back. That's already suspicious.

**05:32**

**Jon:** I was visiting a friend. That's what I told Charlene.

**05:33**

**Vanessa:** And she believed you?

**05:34**

**Jon:** She didn't ask many questions. She was too tired.

**05:36**

**Vanessa:** I hate that she's so tired.

**05:37**

**Jon:** I know.

**05:38**

**Vanessa:** I hate that I'm using her illness as cover.

**05:39**

**Jon:** You're not using it. It's just how it is.

**05:41**

**Vanessa:** That's the same thing.

**05:42**

**Jon:** Maybe. But we can't change it.

**05:43**

**Vanessa:** No.

**05:44**

**Jon:** I should try to sleep.

**05:45**

**Vanessa:** Me too. I've got work tomorrow.

**05:46**

**Jon:** Night shift?

**05:47**

**Vanessa:** Yes. Seven to seven.

**05:48**

**Jon:** That's brutal.

**05:49**

**Vanessa:** I'm used to it.

**05:50**

**Jon:** Will you text me?

**05:51**

**Vanessa:** During my break.

**05:52**

**Jon:** I'll be waiting.

**05:53**

**Vanessa:** Goodnight, Jon.

**05:54**

**Jon:** Goodnight, Vanessa.

**05:55**

**Vanessa:** Jon?

**05:56**

**Jon:** Yes?

**05:57**

**Vanessa:** I'm glad it happened.

**05:58**

**Jon:** So am I.

**05:59**

**Vanessa:** Sleep well.

**06:00**

**Jon:** You too.

**Wednesday 15th November**

**13:22**

**Jon:** How did you sleep?

**13:24**

**Vanessa:** Not well. You?

**13:25**

**Jon:** Same. I kept waking up.

**13:26**

**Vanessa:** Me too. Every time I closed my eyes I saw your face.

**13:28**

**Jon:** I saw yours.

**13:29**

**Vanessa:** I'm at work. I shouldn't be texting.

**13:30**

**Jon:** I know. I just wanted to hear from you.

**13:31**

**Vanessa:** I'm glad you did.

**13:32**

**Jon:** What are you doing?

**13:33**

**Vanessa:** Paperwork. I'm on my break. Sitting in the staff room.

**13:34**

**Jon:** Anyone else there?

**13:35**

**Vanessa:** No. Just me.

**13:36**

**Jon:** Good.

**13:37**

**Vanessa:** Why good?

**13:38**

**Jon:** Because I want to talk to you properly.

**13:39**

**Vanessa:** About what?

**13:40**

**Jon:** About last night.

**13:41**

**Vanessa:** We talked about it last night.

**13:42**

**Jon:** Not enough. I want to know what you're thinking. How you're feeling.

**13:44**

**Vanessa:** I'm feeling confused. And guilty. And.

**13:45**

**Jon:** And?

**13:46**

**Vanessa:** And happy. Which makes the guilt worse.

**13:48**

**Jon:** I know what you mean.

**13:49**

**Vanessa:** Do you?

**13:50**

**Jon:** I've been walking around all day with this stupid grin on my face. Charlene asked me what I was smiling about.

**13:51**

**Vanessa:** What did you say?

**13:52**

**Jon:** I said I was thinking about a joke I heard on the radio.

**13:53**

**Vanessa:** Did she believe you?

**13:54**

**Jon:** She didn't care enough to question it.

**13:56**

**Vanessa:** That's sad.

**13:57**

**Jon:** It is what it is.

**13:58**

**Vanessa:** Don't say that.

**13:59**

**Jon:** Why not?

**14:00**

**Vanessa:** Because it's a cop-out. You're better than that.

**14:01**

**Jon:** Am I?

**14:02**

**Vanessa:** Yes. You're kind and you're funny and you're smart. You deserve more than "it is what it is."

**14:04**

**Jon:** So do you.

**14:05**

**Vanessa:** I'm sixty years old. I've made my bed.

**14:06**

**Jon:** That's bullshit.

**14:07**

**Vanessa:** Excuse me?

**14:08**

**Jon:** You heard me. That's bullshit. You're not dead yet. You don't have to just accept things the way they are.

**14:10**

**Vanessa:** I'm married.

**14:11**

**Jon:** So am I.

**14:12**

**Vanessa:** Graham is sick.

**14:13**

**Jon:** I know.

**14:14**

**Vanessa:** I can't leave him.

**14:15**

**Jon:** I'm not asking you to.

**14:16**

**Vanessa:** Then what are you asking?

**14:18**

**Jon:** I'm not asking anything. I'm just saying you don't have to be miserable. You don't have to accept that this is all there is.

**14:20**

**Vanessa:** What else is there?

**14:21**

**Jon:** Me.

**14:22**

**Vanessa:** Jon.

**14:23**

**Jon:** I'm not saying it's simple. I'm not saying it's right. I'm just saying I'm here. I've been here for twenty-two years. I'm not going anywhere.

**14:25**

**Vanessa:** You don't know that.

**14:26**

**Jon:** I do know that.

**14:27**

**Vanessa:** You barely know me.

**14:28**

**Jon:** I've known you for half my life. I know you take your tea with one sugar. I know you hate the smell of lavender. I know you cry at adverts with dogs in them. I know you're terrified of dying alone.

**14:30**

**Vanessa:** How do you know that last one?

**14:31**

**Jon:** Because you told me. On the drive back. When we were talking about Graham.

**14:32**

**Vanessa:** I don't remember saying that.

**14:33**

**Jon:** You were crying. You probably don't remember half of what you said.

**14:35**

**Vanessa:** What else did I say?

**14:36**

**Jon:** You said you felt invisible. You said you'd spent your whole life looking after other people and no one ever looked after you.

**14:38**

**Vanessa:** That's true.

**14:39**

**Jon:** I want to look after you.

**14:40**

**Vanessa:** You can't.

**14:41**

**Jon:** Why not?

**14:42**

**Vanessa:** Because you're married to my daughter.

**14:43**

**Jon:** I know.

**14:44**

**Vanessa:** Because if anyone finds out it will destroy her.

**14:45**

**Jon:** I know.

**14:46**

**Vanessa:** Because it's wrong.

**14:47**

**Jon:** Is it?

**14:48**

**Vanessa:** Of course it is.

**14:49**

**Jon:** I don't feel wrong. I feel like I've been waiting my whole life for something and I finally found it.

**14:51**

**Vanessa:** You're romanticizing it.

**14:52**

**Jon:** Maybe. But it's how I feel.

**14:53**

**Vanessa:** I have to go. My break's over.

**14:54**

**Jon:** Okay.

**14:55**

**Vanessa:** Jon?

**14:56**

**Jon:** Yes?

**14:57**

**Vanessa:** I feel it too.

**14:58**

**Jon:** Good.

**14:59**

**Vanessa:** I'll text you later.

**15:00**

**Jon:** I'll be here.

**Thursday 16th November**

**02:14**

**Vanessa:** Are you awake?

**02:16**

**Jon:** Yes.

**02:17**

**Vanessa:** I can't sleep. I'm on my break. The ward is quiet.

**02:18**

**Jon:** I'm glad you texted.

**02:19**

**Vanessa:** I shouldn't have.

**02:20**

**Jon:** Why not?

**02:21**

**Vanessa:** Because I can't stop thinking about you. It's distracting. I nearly gave the wrong medication to a patient tonight.

**02:23**

**Jon:** That's dangerous.

**02:24**

**Vanessa:** I know. I caught it in time. But still.

**02:25**

**Jon:** Maybe you should take some time off.

**02:26**

**Vanessa:** I can't. We need the money. Graham's treatment isn't cheap.

**02:28**

**Jon:** I could help.

**02:29**

**Vanessa:** No.

**02:30**

**Jon:** Why not?

**02:31**

**Vanessa:** Because I'm not going to take money from you. That's not what this is.

**02:32**

**Jon:** What is this?

**02:34**

**Vanessa:** I don't know. But it's not that.

**02:35**

**Jon:** I'm sorry. I didn't mean to offend you.

**02:36**

**Vanessa:** You didn't. I just. I don't want to be someone who needs saving.

**02:38**

**Jon:** You're not. I just want to help.

**02:39**

**Vanessa:** I know. But I can't let you. It would make it feel like a transaction.

**02:40**

**Jon:** It's not a transaction.

**02:41**

**Vanessa:** I know. But it would feel like one. To me.

**02:43**

**Jon:** Okay. I won't offer again.

**02:44**

**Vanessa:** Thank you.

**02:45**

**Jon:** What are you thinking about?

**02:46**

**Vanessa:** You. Us. What we did.

**02:47**

**Jon:** Tell me.

**02:49**

**Vanessa:** I'm thinking about your hands. The way they felt on my skin. Rough. Warm. I'm thinking about the way you looked at me when you were inside me. Like I was the only thing in the world.

**02:51**

**Jon:** You were.

**02:52**

**Vanessa:** I'm thinking about the sounds you made. The way you groaned when I touched you. The way you said my name.

**02:54**

**Jon:** I'm thinking about your mouth.

**02:55**

**Vanessa:** What about it?

**02:56**

**Jon:** The way it felt around me. When you went down on me.

**02:58**

**Vanessa:** I'd never done that before.

**02:59**

**Jon:** Done what?

**03:00**

**Vanessa:** That. With my mouth. Not like that.

**03:02**

**Jon:** Never?

**03:03**

**Vanessa:** Graham never wanted it. He thought it was degrading.

**03:04**

**Jon:** It's not degrading.

**03:05**

**Vanessa:** I know. I liked it. I liked the way you tasted. I liked the way you held my head.

**03:07**

**Jon:** I was trying to be gentle.

**03:08**

**Vanessa:** You weren't.

**03:09**

**Jon:** I know. I'm sorry.

**03:10**

**Vanessa:** Don't be. I liked it. I liked that you couldn't control yourself.

**03:12**

**Jon:** I nearly came in your mouth.

**03:13**

**Vanessa:** I know. I could feel you twitching.

**03:14**

**Jon:** Why did you stop?

**03:15**

**Vanessa:** Because I wanted you inside me. I wanted to feel you come inside me.

**03:17**

**Jon:** Fuck, Vanessa.

**03:18**

**Vanessa:** I know.

**03:19**

**Jon:** I'm hard again.

**03:20**

**Vanessa:** Me too. Well. Not hard. But.

**03:21**

**Jon:** I know what you mean.

**03:22**

**Vanessa:** I'm wet. I can feel it.

**03:23**

**Jon:** Are you touching yourself?

**03:24**

**Vanessa:** Not yet. I'm in the staff room. Someone could walk in.

**03:26**

**Jon:** Go to the bathroom.

**03:27**

**Vanessa:** I can't. I'm supposed to be watching a patient.

**03:28**

**Jon:** How long is your break?

**03:29**

**Vanessa:** Ten more minutes.

**03:30**

**Jon:** Then just talk to me. Tell me what you'd do if I was there.

**03:32**

**Vanessa:** If you were here I'd take you into the supply closet. The one at the end of the corridor. It locks.

**03:33**

**Jon:** And?

**03:34**

**Vanessa:** And I'd push you against the wall and kiss you. I'd unbutton your shirt. I'd run my hands over your chest.

**03:36**

**Jon:** I'd lift up your scrubs. I'd pull down your trousers.

**03:37**

**Vanessa:** I'd be so wet you wouldn't need to touch me. You could just slide right in.

**03:39**

**Jon:** I'd fuck you against the wall. Hard and fast. The way you like it.

**03:40**

**Vanessa:** I'd have to cover your mouth. You're too loud.

**03:41**

**Jon:** You're louder.

**03:42**

**Vanessa:** I know. I'd bite your shoulder to keep quiet.

**03:44**

**Jon:** I'd come inside you. I wouldn't pull out.

**03:45**

**Vanessa:** I wouldn't want you to.

**03:46**

**Jon:** I'm coming.

**03:47**

**Vanessa:** Me too.

**03:48**

**Jon:** Fuck.

**03:49**

**Vanessa:** Oh God.

**03:50**

**Jon:** That was quick.

**03:51**

**Vanessa:** I know. I have to go. My break's over.

**03:52**

**Jon:** Okay.

**03:53**

**Vanessa:** I'll text you when I get home.

**03:54**

**Jon:** I'll be waiting.

**03:55**

**Vanessa:** Jon?

**03:56**

**Jon:** Yes?

**03:57**

**Vanessa:** I think I'm falling in love with you.

**03:58**

**Jon:** I know. I've been in love with you for twenty-two years.

**03:59**

**Vanessa:** That's a long time.

**04:00**

**Jon:** It is.

**04:01**

**Vanessa:** I have to go.

**04:02**

**Jon:** Go. Save lives.

**04:03**

**Vanessa:** I'll try.

**Friday 17th November**

**19:42**

**Jon:** How's Graham?

**19:44**

**Vanessa:** Not great. He's been in bed all day. His knee is swollen again.

**19:45**

**Jon:** I'm sorry.

**19:46**

**Vanessa:** It's fine. I'm used to it.

**19:47**

**Jon:** You shouldn't have to be.

**19:48**

**Vanessa:** That's sweet. But it's my life.

**19:49**

**Jon:** It doesn't have to be.

**19:51**

**Vanessa:** Jon.

**19:52**

**Jon:** I'm not saying anything. I'm just saying.

**19:53**

**Vanessa:** I know what you're saying.

**19:54**

**Jon:** Good.

**19:56**

**Vanessa:** Charlene's asleep. I just checked on her.

**19:57**

**Jon:** She was exhausted. She had a bad day.

**19:58**

**Vanessa:** What happened?

**19:59**

**Jon:** She had a meeting with her supervisor. They want her to increase her hours.

**20:01**

**Vanessa:** She can't. She's barely managing as it is.

**20:02**

**Jon:** I know. She told them. They didn't listen.

**20:03**

**Vanessa:** That's awful.

**20:04**

**Jon:** She came home and went straight to bed. She's been asleep for four hours.

**20:06**

**Vanessa:** I hate that she has to deal with that. I wish I could help.

**20:07**

**Jon:** She wouldn't accept it. You know what she's like.

**20:08**

**Vanessa:** I know. She's stubborn. Like her father.

**20:09**

**Jon:** She's stubborn like you.

**20:11**

**Vanessa:** I'm not stubborn.

**20:12**

**Jon:** You're the most stubborn person I've ever met.

**20:13**

**Vanessa:** That's not true.

**20:14**

**Jon:** It is. You've been married to a man you don't love for thirty years. You work yourself to the bone. You never ask for help. You're stubborn.

**20:16**

**Vanessa:** I loved him once.

**20:17**

**Jon:** Once.

**20:18**

**Vanessa:** A long time ago.

**20:19**

**Jon:** What happened?

**20:21**

**Vanessa:** Life happened. He got sick. I got tired. We stopped trying.

**20:22**

**Jon:** That's sad.

**20:23**

**Vanessa:** That's marriage.

**20:24**

**Jon:** It doesn't have to be.

**20:25**

**Vanessa:** Maybe not. But it is.

**20:27**

**Jon:** I don't want that to be us.

**20:28**

**Vanessa:** There is no us. Not really. We're just.

**20:29**

**Jon:** Just what?

**20:30**

**Vanessa:** I don't know. Two people who made a mistake.

**20:32**

**Jon:** Is that what you think it was? A mistake?

**20:33**

**Vanessa:** I don't know. I don't know what I think.

**20:34**

**Jon:** I don't think it was a mistake.

**20:35**

**Vanessa:** You don't?

**20:36**

**Jon:** No. I think it was the first honest thing I've done in years.

**20:38**

**Vanessa:** That's a nice way to look at it.

**20:39**

**Jon:** It's not a way of looking at it. It's just the truth.

**20:41**

**Vanessa:** I wish I could be as certain as you.

**20:42**

**Jon:** I'm not certain. I'm just. I don't know. I feel like I've been sleepwalking and you woke me up.

**20:44**

**Vanessa:** I feel the same.

**20:45**

**Jon:** Then why are you fighting it?

**20:46**

**Vanessa:** Because I'm scared.

**20:47**

**Jon:** Of what?

**20:49**

**Vanessa:** Of everything. Of losing my family. Of hurting Charlene. Of being judged. Of being alone.

**20:51**

**Jon:** You're not alone.

**20:52**

**Vanessa:** I am. I've been alone for years. Even when Graham's in the room. Even when I'm at work. I'm alone.

**20:54**

**Jon:** Not anymore.

**20:55**

**Vanessa:** Don't make promises.

**20:56**

**Jon:** I'm not. I'm just telling you I'm here. Right now. In this moment. I'm here.

**20:58**

**Vanessa:** I know.

**20:59**

**Jon:** Do you want me to come over?

**21:00**

**Vanessa:** No.

**21:01**

**Jon:** Why not?

**21:02**

**Vanessa:** Because Graham's here. Because it's too risky.

**21:03**

**Jon:** I could park around the corner. You could come out. We could sit in the car.

**21:05**

**Vanessa:** That's insane.

**21:06**

**Jon:** I know.

**21:07**

**Vanessa:** It's cold.

**21:08**

**Jon:** I'd keep you warm.

**21:09**

**Vanessa:** Jon.

**21:10**

**Jon:** What?

**21:11**

**Vanessa:** Nothing. I just. I want to see you.

**21:13**

**Jon:** Then let me come.

**21:14**

**Vanessa:** I can't.

**21:15**

**Jon:** You can.

**21:16**

**Vanessa:** I can't. Graham might wake up. He might need me.

**21:18**

**Jon:** He's asleep.

**21:19**

**Vanessa:** He might wake up.

**21:20**

**Jon:** Vanessa.

**21:21**

**Vanessa:** Don't.

**21:22**

**Jon:** Don't what?

**21:23**

**Vanessa:** Don't make this harder than it already is.

**21:24**

**Jon:** I'm not trying to make it harder. I'm trying to see you.

**21:26**

**Vanessa:** I know. But I can't. Not tonight.

**21:27**

**Jon:** Okay.

**21:28**

**Vanessa:** Are you angry?

**21:29**

**Jon:** No.

**21:30**

**Vanessa:** You sound angry.

**21:31**

**Jon:** I'm not angry. I'm frustrated. There's a difference.

**21:33**

**Vanessa:** I'm sorry.

**21:34**

**Jon:** Don't apologize. You're right. It's too risky.

**21:35**

**Vanessa:** I hate this.

**21:36**

**Jon:** Me too.

**21:38**

**Vanessa:** I want to see you. I do. But I can't. Not tonight.

**21:39**

**Jon:** I understand.

**21:40**

**Vanessa:** Do you?

**21:41**

**Jon:** Yes. I understand that you're scared. I understand that you have responsibilities. I understand that this is complicated. I understand all of it.

**21:43**

**Vanessa:** Then why do you keep pushing?

**21:44**

**Jon:** Because I'm scared too. I'm scared that if we don't figure this out soon it's going to eat us alive.

**21:46**

**Vanessa:** What do you want me to do?

**21:47**

**Jon:** I don't know. I just want you to talk to me. Tell me what you're thinking. Don't shut me out.

**21:49**

**Vanessa:** I'm not shutting you out.

**21:50**

**Jon:** You are. You do this thing where you pull away and I can feel it.

**21:51**

**Vanessa:** I'm not pulling away.

**21:52**

**Jon:** You are. You just did it.

**21:54**

**Vanessa:** I'm sorry. I don't mean to.

**21:55**

**Jon:** I know.

**21:56**

**Vanessa:** I'm just. I've never done this before. I've never cheated on anyone. I've never lied to Graham. I've never kept a secret like this.

**21:58**

**Jon:** Neither have I.

**21:59**

**Vanessa:** Then we're both in uncharted territory.

**22:00**

**Jon:** I guess so.

**22:02**

**Vanessa:** I have to go. Graham's calling.

**22:03**

**Jon:** Okay.

**22:04**

**Vanessa:** I'll text you tomorrow.

**22:05**

**Jon:** I'll be here.

**22:06**

**Vanessa:** Goodnight, Jon.

**22:07**

**Jon:** Goodnight, Vanessa.

**22:15**

**Jon:** I love you.

**22:23**

**Vanessa:** I know.

**Saturday 18th November**

**11:34**

**Jon:** What are you doing?

**11:36**

**Vanessa:** Cleaning. Graham's asleep. It's the only time I can get anything done.

**11:37**

**Jon:** I'm supposed to be working. I can't concentrate.

**11:38**

**Vanessa:** Why not?

**11:39**

**Jon:** You know why.

**11:40**

**Vanessa:** Tell me anyway.

**11:42**

**Jon:** I keep thinking about your legs. The way they wrapped around me. The way your heels dug into my back.

**11:43**

**Vanessa:** I keep thinking about your mouth. The way you kissed my neck. The way you bit my shoulder.

**11:45**

**Jon:** I want to see you.

**11:46**

**Vanessa:** I know.

**11:47**

**Jon:** No. I mean I really want to see you. Not just text.

**11:48**

**Vanessa:** I know what you mean.

**11:49**

**Jon:** Can I?

**11:51**

**Vanessa:** When?

**11:52**

**Jon:** Today. This afternoon. I could tell Charlene I have to go into the office.

**11:53**

**Vanessa:** On a Saturday?

**11:54**

**Jon:** She won't question it. She's asleep.

**11:56**

**Vanessa:** Where would we go?

**11:57**

**Jon:** I don't know. A hotel. Somewhere out of the way.

**11:58**

**Vanessa:** That's risky.

**11:59**

**Jon:** Everything's risky.

**12:01**

**Vanessa:** I don't know.

**12:02**

**Jon:** Vanessa. I need to see you. I'm going out of my mind.

**12:03**

**Vanessa:** I need to see you too.

**12:04**

**Jon:** Then let me come.

**12:05**

**Vanessa:** Graham's here.

**12:06**

**Jon:** Is he awake?

**12:07**

**Vanessa:** No.

**12:08**

**Jon:** Then come to me. I'll find somewhere.

**12:10**

**Vanessa:** I can't leave him. What if he wakes up and I'm not here?

**12:11**

**Jon:** You can leave a note. Say you went to the shops.

**12:12**

**Vanessa:** For three hours?

**12:13**

**Jon:** Say you went to see a friend.

**12:14**

**Vanessa:** I don't have any friends.

**12:16**

**Jon:** Everyone has friends.

**12:17**

**Vanessa:** I have colleagues. I have Graham. I have Charlene. That's it.

**12:18**

**Jon:** That's sad.

**12:19**

**Vanessa:** I know.

**12:20**

**Jon:** Let me be your friend.

**12:21**

**Vanessa:** You're more than a friend.

**12:23**

**Jon:** Then let me be more than a friend. In person. Today.

**12:24**

**Vanessa:** I want to.

**12:25**

**Jon:** Then do it.

**12:27**

**Vanessa:** Where?

**12:28**

**Jon:** There's a pub. The Black Horse. On the A20. It's quiet. No one goes there.

**12:29**

**Vanessa:** I know it.

**12:30**

**Jon:** Meet me there. Two o'clock. I'll get a room.

**12:32**

**Vanessa:** A room?

**12:33**

**Jon:** They have rooms. Above the pub.

**12:34**

**Vanessa:** You've done this before.

**12:35**

**Jon:** No. I just. I looked it up.

**12:36**

**Vanessa:** You looked it up?

**12:37**

**Jon:** Yes.

**12:38**

**Vanessa:** When?

**12:39**

**Jon:** Last night. When I couldn't sleep.

**12:41**

**Vanessa:** You're serious.

**12:42**

**Jon:** I'm serious.

**12:43**

**Vanessa:** Okay.

**12:44**

**Jon:** Okay?

**12:45**

**Vanessa:** Okay. I'll meet you there.

**12:46**

**Jon:** Two o'clock.

**12:47**

**Vanessa:** Two o'clock.

**12:48**

**Jon:** I love you.

**12:49**

**Vanessa:** I know.

**12:50**

**Jon:** Say it back.

**12:51**

**Vanessa:** I can't.

**12:52**

**Jon:** Why not?

**12:53**

**Vanessa:** Because if I say it it becomes real.

**12:54**

**Jon:** It's already real.

**12:55**

**Vanessa:** I know.

**12:56**

**Jon:** Then say it.

**12:58**

**Vanessa:** I love you too.

**12:59**

**Jon:** Say it again.

**13:00**

**Vanessa:** I love you.

**13:01**

**Jon:** Again.

**13:02**

**Vanessa:** I love you, Jon.

**13:03**

**Jon:** I'll see you at two.

**13:04**

**Vanessa:** I'll be there.

**13:05**

**Jon:** Don't be late.

**13:06**

**Vanessa:** I won't.

**13:07**

**Jon:** Vanessa?

**13:08**

**Vanessa:** Yes?

**13:09**

**Jon:** I've waited twenty-two years for this. I'm not going to waste a second.

**13:10**

**Vanessa:** Neither am I.

**13:11**

**Jon:** See you soon.

**13:12**

**Vanessa:** See you soon.

**13:45**

**Vanessa:** I'm leaving now.

**13:46**

**Jon:** I'm already here.

**13:47**

**Vanessa:** You're early.

**13:48**

**Jon:** I couldn't wait.

**13:49**

**Vanessa:** What's the room like?

**13:50**

**Jon:** Small. Clean. The bed's a bit soft but it'll do.

**13:51**

**Vanessa:** It'll do?

**13:52**

**Jon:** You know what I mean.

**13:53**

**Vanessa:** I know.

**13:54**

**Jon:** I'm nervous.

**13:55**

**Vanessa:** Me too.

**13:56**

**Jon:** Don't be.

**13:57**

**Vanessa:** You just said you were nervous.

**13:58**

**Jon:** I am. But you don't have to be.

**13:59**

**Vanessa:** Why not?

**14:00**

**Jon:** Because I've already seen you naked. I've already been inside you. There's nothing to be nervous about.

**14:01**

**Vanessa:** There's everything to be nervous about.

**14:02**

**Jon:** Like what?

**14:03**

**Vanessa:** Like what if it's different in the daylight? What if you don't like what you see?

**14:04**

**Jon:** I've seen you in the daylight. I've seen you at breakfast. I've seen you without makeup. I've seen you in your dressing gown.

**14:05**

**Vanessa:** That's not the same.

**14:06**

**Jon:** It is the same. I've been looking at you for twenty-two years. I know exactly what you look like.

**14:07**

**Vanessa:** You've never seen me naked in the daylight.

**14:08**

**Jon:** So?

**14:09**

**Vanessa:** So what if I'm not what you expect?

**14:10**

**Jon:** You're exactly what I expect. You're beautiful. You're perfect. You're everything.

**14:11**

**Vanessa:** You're biased.

**14:12**

**Jon:** I'm in love. There's a difference.

**14:13**

**Vanessa:** I'm leaving now. I'll be there in twenty minutes.

**14:14**

**Jon:** I'll be waiting.

**14:15**

**Vanessa:** Jon?

**14:16**

**Jon:** Yes?

**14:17**

**Vanessa:** I'm scared.

**14:18**

**Jon:** Me too.

**14:19**

**Vanessa:** But I'm coming anyway.

**14:20**

**Jon:** I know.

**14:21**

**Vanessa:** I'll see you soon.

**14:22**

**Jon:** I'll see you soon.

**14:23**

**Vanessa:** I love you.

**14:24**

**Jon:** I love you too.

**14:25**

**Vanessa:** Don't go anywhere.

**14:26**

**Jon:** I'm not going anywhere. I've been waiting for you my whole life. I'm not about to leave now.