Becoming Anick

Meri kahani ki shuruwat us raat se hoti hai jab maine pehli baar kisi aurat ko, apni hi bahan ko, galat nazar se dekha tha. Main Anick hoon, pachchis saal ka. Aaj main jo bhi hoon, woh us ek pal ki den hai. Us pal ne meri zindagi ko do hisson mein baant diya. Ek, jo main tha. Doosra, jo main ban gaya.

Us waqt main sirf terah saal ka tha. Umar se bachcha, jism se bhi patla dubla. Chehra sanwla sa, aankhon mein sharm. Gaon se shahar aaye hue humein paanch saal ho chuke the. Papa ka business chal nikla tha. Humne society ke bahar wala ghar liya tha, jahan se shehar ki roshni door dikhti thi, aur raat ko sirf jhinguron ki awaaz sunai deti thi.

Ghar mein mummy, papa, do badi behenein, Annu aur Neetu, aur ek chhoti bahan, Richa. Richa mere hi umar ki thi. Adopted. Yeh baat mujhe tab pata chali thi jab main dus saal ka tha. Mummy ne bataya tha, “Richa humari god ki den hai, Anick. Jaise tum ho.” Main tab samjha nahi tha. Ab samajhta hoon. God ki den bhi kabhi kabhi zeher hoti hai.

Bachpan se main akela ladka tha ghar mein. Isliye mera khelna koodna sab behenon ke saath hi hota tha. Ghar ghar, doctor doctor, teacher teacher. Annu didi mujhe sajati thi, Neetu didi mere baal mein clip lagati thi. Main hassta tha. Unke saath rehke main unki tarah bolne laga, unki tarah chalne laga. Meri chaal mein ek narmi aa gayi thi jo ladkon mein nahi hoti. Papa kabhi kabhi dekhte aur kehte, “Isse thoda bahar khelne do, mardana kaam sikhao.” Mummy hassti aur kehti, “Abhi bachcha hai.”

Bachcha tha main. Sach mein.

Us raat ki baat hai. Garmi ka mausam tha. Bijli gayi hui thi. Poora ghar andhere mein paseena baha raha tha. Main apne kamre se utha, paani peene ke liye. Raat ke do baje the. Ghar mein sab so rahe the. Main rasoi ki taraf badha, andhere mein deewar ko tatolte hue.

Raste mein Richa ka kamra padta tha. Uska darwaza kabhi band nahi hota tha. Aadha khula rehta tha, jaise woh hamesha kisi ka intezaar kar rahi ho. Us raat bhi wahi tha. Aadha khula. Andar se halki roshni aa rahi thi. Chandni. Khidki khuli thi.

Main ruk gaya.

Mujhe nahi pata tha kyun. Paani peene ja raha tha. Lekin pair ruk gaye. Main jhuk kar darwaze ki darar se andar dekha. Aur jo dekha, woh main aaj tak nahi bhoola.

Richa apne bistar par leti thi. Chadar uske jism se phisal gayi thi. Usne sirf ek patli si kurti pehni thi, jo uske ghutnon tak aati thi. Lekin us raat woh kurti bhi uske jism par nahi thi. Woh uske pairon ke paas padi thi. Richa nangi thi. Poori tarah nangi.

Chandni uski khuli khidki se aakar uske jism par padi thi. Uska jism doodh jaisa tha. Ek bhi til nahi. Uske stan abhi ubhar rahe the, chhote chhote, gulab ki kali jaise. Uske nipples gulabi the, jaise kisi ne unhe halke se chhua ho aur woh sharm se sikud gaye hon. Uska pet seedha tha, uski nabhi gehri. Aur uske pairon ke beech, wahan, woh jagah jahan maine kabhi kisi ladki ko nahi dekha tha, wahan sirf halke se baal the. Jaise abhi ugne shuru hue hon.

Mera gala sookh gaya. Paani ki pyaas gayi. Ek nayi pyaas aayi. Kuch aur.

Main wahi khada tha. Haath deewar par, aankhein uske jism par. Mera ling, jo tab tak sirf peshab karne ka zariya tha, pehli baar kuch aur mehsoos kar raha tha. Woh khada ho raha tha. Dard ho raha tha. Main samjha nahi. Maine apne ling ko haath lagaya. Garm tha. Sakht tha. Aur uss waqt Richa karvat badli.

Woh apni peeth ke bal se karwat lekar leti thi. Ab uska chehra mere taraf tha. Aankhein band. Honth halke se khule. Uske honthon se ek halki saans nikli, jaise woh kisi sapne mein kuch keh rahi ho. Uske stan ab bhi wahi the, lekin ab unka wazan uske jism par alag dikh raha tha. Woh ek taraf jhuk gaye the. Uska ek haath uske pet par tha, doosra uske janghon ke beech.

Main nahi jaanta woh kitni der wahan leti rahi. Mujhe nahi pata main kitni der wahan khada raha. Lekin jab woh karvat badal kar doosri taraf mud gayi, tab main hosh mein aaya. Main bina paani piye apne kamre mein wapas aa gaya. Darwaza band kiya. Bistar par leta. Aankhein band ki.

Lekin woh drishya aankhon ke saamne se nahi gaya.

Main us raat soya nahi. Subah jab Richa uthi, maine usse dekha. Woh apne baalon ko brush kar rahi thi, aaine ke saamne. Usne mujhe dekha aur muskurai. “Anick, aaj nashta jaldi kar, school jaana hai.”

Main sir hilaya. Kuch nahi bola. Lekin uski kurti ke andar, uski chhavi ke peeche, main woh raat wala drishya dekh raha tha. Uski nangi gardan. Uske ubharte stan. Uske pairon ke beech woh gehri, andheri jagah.

Us din se kuch badal gaya. Main Richa ko dekhne laga. Sach mein dekhne laga. Uske honth, uski gardan, uske haath. Jab woh mere paas se guzarti, main uski khushbu mehsoos karta. Jab woh mujhse baat karti, main uske honthon ko dekhta. Woh samajhti nahi thi. Ya shayad samajhti thi, aur dikhata nahi thi.

Ek hafta baad, ek aur raat aayi. Bijli phir gayi. Main phir utha. Paani ke liye. Richa ka darwaza phir aadha khula tha. Main phir ruka. Lekin is baar, andar jhaankne se pehle, maine apna haath apne ling par rakha. Aur maine kuch aisa kiya jo maine pehle kabhi nahi kiya tha.

Us raat maine pehli baar apne aap ko chhua. Richa ki chhavi ko apne dimaag mein rakhte hue. Aur jab maine apne aap ko chhua, toh maine mehsoos kiya ki yeh sirf shuruwat thi.

Kyunki jo maine us raat mehsoos kiya, woh sirf hawas nahi thi. Woh ek bhookh thi. Aur bhookh kabhi apne aap nahi marti.